asplanet.info

I an so relate to this, often I would obsess and wanted what I thought

rather than what I needed, with me also its 100% or not, understanding

does make a huge difference, at least we can explain we are not rejecting

them when we need down time, need to be alone. I guess communication

and wanting the same things which is key for any relationships. A great

insight by Laura extremely well done: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=arCpl8SmfXk

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AFFECTION just because at times I need space, just because at times a hug seems awkward, just because I may brush away your touch, just because that word love does not seem logical to use when you want me to, just because I need no contact right now, just because I do not look into your eyes - I sense and feel differently and I so do care.

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And while I so care about many things, I so do not care to continually explain when often no one is listening anyway. As each of us can only love, care on our own terms and maybe there should be no set of rules, except to really listen and communicate however that may be and I often feel all spectrum individuals need a retreat room and this should be allowed and understood. I also feel because of this individuals not communicating with their partners or children too well, try and write, email, text thoughts it helps... often when I withdraw even a text of thought I am unable to say puts me back on line so to speak

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In many of my relationships, it was almost like I was playing the part, being what others wanted, because I so wanted what maybe I could never have. I am now marriage and it is an ongoing process of self analyzing, trying so hard to be real and not do as others expect has been the hardest for me. Of course I have found a like minded partner in some aspects, because I now know will never fit into a stereo type "norm" relationship. Quote: “ this means that we are really falling in love with ourselves, our projected ideals, until we withdraw the projections and really see the other for whom they really are. Aspie are too good at calculating the trajectories of love affairs and seeing the end before living the beginning then deciding not to bother/risk it"
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I also feel many spectrum individuals, connect with nontraditional relationships, trying too hard to find what will not work until they accept and understand self, reason and then can be a part of anthers life, we have differences and have to be able to understand and explain the reason for our whys and must important understand ourselves. Sometimes I so feel the average relationship on how others perceive we should be and what we should expect is wrong, and often our downfall. I feel the whole concept of who we are, our needs and wants has to be heard before many will find fulfillment in any relationships. we can no longer keep being on other individuals non spectrum terms!

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Like shells on the sea shore we all are as varied and different, the sea is

kind to some of us and lets us swim freely within the ocean, some get to

stay on the magical ever changing sea beds, the ocean waves and tides wash

some of us ashore, some of us are taken in and cared for, others find a safe

place, a heaven of their own, while others are simply crushed before the

best comes out of them like grapes, olives etc.... as we can turn life around.

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To know self and have the confidence to be self to me is what life is all about, life is not always easy, but having the strength to embrace self who ever we are takes courage, but that journey can seem like an never ending roller coaster ride sometimes. As I have found  not always so easy and at times I simply hold my head when my brain seems to overload, it's like a flood intense chaotic emotion, to many thoughts all at once, that's why for me to say in my own reality is easier mostly, because others emotionally wise especially not only can bring stress, none spectrum often send my over analytic mind into overdrive, maybe that's why like minded works for me, but as I like to think there is a fit for all of us should where.!

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Many of us can far to easily become saturated with emotion, I seem to vacuum and take in everything so intensely around me at times, I simply overload or shutdown. I feel this is partly because those of us on the spectrum are often over sensitive to any changes around us, including stress, environment and often these are key factors to overloading us, be it parents, partners, situation changes... it,s like with any transition around us, in our lives we become unsettled. But with understanding and reason, we are the only ones that can change that, because if we do not respect or understand ourselves others won't, we need to find partners that not only respect, but understand and still allow us our own identity.!

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As I continue too self discover process on my own journey it helps me see things differently. Where I may of gone wrong in the past. I now feel we all have to do what works for us as individuals, early on in my marriage the problems I had were because first I never understood self so lack self esteem and second I tried to do what I thought I should, since being diagnosed my relationship is so much better because I have reason which means in turn my husband understands. Early days for us but been together for around 20 years now and guess only been diagnosed for a few. But the more we understand each other and allow the better and stronger as a couple we are, my husband lets just say highly sensitive, intently intelligent the opposite in many respects from me, but we compliment each other in a none traditional way.
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I feel we need to share who we are and in doing that which is something I have started to do, we start to connect at another level, instead of passing trains that disconnect. Bring those close to us into our visions, realities. Maybe the word "realities" not the best choice, as I know some would like to put my words into a straight jacket but I feel we all should be allowed to live in what we know as our known reality and at the same time find a balance in life that works for us, because yes we all have to fit into the world... the problem seems to be when we try to hard to change, conform to fit for others not self. Did that for years never worked and I sure never fooled as myself inside, I simply hide the pain of what I never understood! .

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Reaching out in the dark – Autism spectrum Relationships

"Trapped within my own thoughts and pain, feeling disconnection so near

impossible for you to communicate with or break inside my safe circle..." 

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Everyone one has rollercoaster moments, and it’s how we survive or want to that counts….Where do I start, as we are all different in this world and often the same rules apply to those not on the autism spectrum. Some people even try and blame us for their problems in regards to relationships. Others may have to put up with the odd aspie/autie traits, but we often have to put up with many of societies ignorance’s, lack of recognition of who we are as individuals…..

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Sometimes I feel like a child looking into a shop window watching the world go by, how can I be an adult when my emotions differ so much from many others, sometimes I look back on my naivety in a way, I got it so wrong I just did not understand how I was supposed to be, in the movies it seem beautiful in reality distance….the natural unnatural to me. No wonder I prefer my own dream world, thoughts at times rather than reality itself.

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A different take: 2 none autistic individuals in a relationship, things start to go wrong... what often happens is the person rather than look at themselves, find it easy to blame their partners misunderstood differences… for the problem, but often it’s their lack of understanding or allowing especially invisible differences fully. Not understanding our selves fully can be hard enough, but being rejected by those we have feelings for crushes our often already very low self-esteem.

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We may not always be easy to live with or understand, but at least those not on the autism spectrum have an identity and do not struggle daily to be understood, understand self in general. It does take time to really understanding our differences, even for us and for many of us like myself it has taken half a life time just to start to know and understand who I am, allowing and accepting our own differences can be the first big hurdle. Then finding the confidence to believe and just be when society allows...

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Many of us like me never even knew we were on the autism spectrum until a lot later in life, and have had many people trying to change us into a stereo type “norm” which just does not work..... One of the biggest reasons for my frustration and meltdowns in my own relationship s in the past is the lack of emotional understanding; quite often zero.... as others seem to often want / expect us just to follow suit. A good relationship who ever we are takes acceptance and understanding of their partners differences whatever they may be, and if one person is having a harder time dealing with aspects of their emotions… who really needs the support. Some of us do not even understand ourselves, and with no conclusion as to reason to autism many of us continue to search and try and make sense.
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Of course we affect those around us, as everyone is affected by their environments etc... but we are often not even understood or allowed from when born to be who we were born to be... and often go out of our way to meet the needs of others, far too often at our own expense.... as without understanding from the rest of the world what chance do we have.... there is so much bad press about how emotionally cold, how bad we are... maybe it’s about time some of us put the positives... we can be honest, loyal, wonderful, unique, caring individuals... no idea where the emotional cold bit comes form, emotionally different yes... I have emotionally overloads, maybe we give too much and exhaust ourselves in doing so..

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No matter how many instances of white swans we see, we

must never assume that all swans are white. - Sir Karl Popper

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I of course realize many of us have suffered from lack of understanding ourselves, but often when we enter relationships we know what the person is like, it’s when we try and change and/or get them to conform into what they are not the problems starts... or of course if they change and become more confidence within themselves, all I can say with understanding and change myself my own relationship is 110% better as now able to explain reasons for things I could not before. Our relationship suffered before because my husband was intolerable of my differences by not understanding them, but I do not blame him, as I was unaware myself to a degree…

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My invisible difference was invisible to me for many years. But even with all the gained knowledge I now have, I am still the same person, less damaged and maybe more confidence, but I will always be the same person he first met. I like to think in all good relationships, couples grow in strength together and help each other when in need. But add a few asd traits and expect the unexpected, things are often not what they may seem...
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I believe all relationships go through growth and change, and it’s how willing we are to grow with the other person... we all need support at times, but do feel we should not blame it on our partners differences, if anything with awareness like my relationship its strengthens it, but then maybe there was a good solid base in the first place.... But I guess we all have to take our own journeys and do what’s right for us at the time, my relationship is far from perfect, a ongoing progress, everything need to be worked at....
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When growing up the times I was taken advantage of for being innocence and gullibility, damaged by those I most trusted and when I lost all confidence within myself, my thought again. People just back off and whisper, if only someone had reached out and helped me when younger. I guess I am lucky I survived the pack of wolfs, and manage to get married, have children and find a place for myself against many odds. I often think those who judge us most, are the ones who reject the mirror imagine of themselves.

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I hate to think of young adult’s relationship wise, having to cross the same mine field as me. Sadly however I may wish to inform others, not everyone wants to know or understand, if only our differences were allowed. At least in this day and age it’s easier to find reason,  maybe there is hope for the future. The battle worldwide is far from over for us on the autism spectrum , but as a friend of mine said to me “A wave powered by a strong tide, becomes a force to be reckoned with. It will be seen, heard and felt by many. Some people will remain unaffected or uncaring, but others who have not noticed the ripples before, may turn, notice and begin caring”
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What is bad behavior to one may not be to the next, we all should maybe be a little more tolerable and open minded of what is wrong or right, as if others always expect stereo type 'norm' were do we fit. Parents really need to start to teach diversity and difference from a young age, children are often very excepting of others, until they get caught up in the status game.  We are not a set of tick boxes, in fact however anyone has ever tried to cram me into a box, the lid never fitted; Maybe I should think of my non autistic partner as a set of tick boxes, and he has to match up to my criteria, an amusing thought, of course I would not consider…but many feel the need to do that to those of us with ASD.

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I think others often are so busy looking too hard for a pattern in our strangeness, that they miss what is right in front of them, that what they see is what they get. We often have empathy for animals and children, movies and fiction… maybe by the time we become adults, our mistrust has been instilled. Within a group of aspies I become a real person a whole somehow, when it comes to other adults maybe we are just more logical or express our feelings in another way, could we find over feeling for another adult too personal, the aspies I know kind of jump into action to help, rather than fuss... I think it’s just we communicate differently and the average person cannot translate!

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If I do not always feel the same among the average person maybe it’s because they are the ones who often make me feel like an alien from another planet. But the one thing I still find hard is knowing I do lack or show empathy in the way others expect and feel I cannot change this, I have tried, I am just too honest. ie. when others are ill, wounded or even dying I feel displeasure but not real grief as is expected. But I am not a cold person and have much emotion, often like an inner turmoil with nowhere to go, but how to express when it’s just not something I do, would feel wrong.

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Lost in reflections of a stereo type mirror imagine,

look deep within and your still be there. Alyson Bradley

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Many adults, some of whom are not even aware of having neurological diagnosis, exhibit behaviors that are perplexing to others. Partners of people with ASD are often very frustrated, confused and at a loss to affect change in their relationship with their mates.  Understanding is the first key to alleviating the distress people with ASD their families have experience. I have listed a few things below which may give you more of an insight into our world:

·         Aspies often like routines, like time to plan for any changes and do not like surprises....  What makes a NT happy, may not make a Aspie happy, so allow for differences.... what you see as being difficult or defiant could be they are just being an aspie.

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·         NTs really need to learn as much as possible about the Autism spectrum disorder to limit the misunderstanding that can happen...  but remember this is secondary to learning about the real person.

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·         Aspies can be irritated by light touching, fingertips etc. Many aspies who have no problems with tight genuine hugs etc, will tend to pull away if they are patted or stroked. Often itching or rubbing the place where they have been touched. This will frequently send the wrong message to their loved ones.

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·         Not usually good with small talk and we either love to talk none stop or not at all...Can have an inability to give and take in conversations and be a bit self obsessive at times, blurt out more than we mean to ...

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Love was just wondering what the word means to you, to me it’s not as natural as I see, dream or are told, it’s like reaching out in the dark for answers, but the answers make no sense. I read another love story and once again feel I know, only to be let down, used, thrown away yet again. At times wanting to be loved so bad it has been like a desperate need, to fill an empty void.

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This is one thing I have and still struggle with, since being diagnosed not knowing if I feel and think love as I feel I should, as others "NTs" do... The real pain comes from the knots my mind goes through just thinking about giving and receiving affection. I seem to over analyze everything then the moment has gone, it does not seem natural for me to show my real feelings, well in the way I feel I should.

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Love one of my most confussed words at times, it's all or none thing with me, I kind of need total commitment, be able to do things my own way and need space at times…. Not the easiest person to live with, but I guess my partner is not the average ‘norn’, more interesting than most I like to think, but at times we crash both needing our own order and routines. Likely my husband is not the most social person, so my need for exclusion at times kind of works.

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Love and emotionally response remains a mystery to me at times, with me it's not that I do not want to, I worry not good enough, not right and far to easy for my mind to be thinking of things I need too do or worry about, hard to switch off when your mind is racing somewhere else, need to learn to relax more I know. I can think words, but emotionally get stuck behind my lips and physically do any of us get it right!

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Sometimes I lie awake at night, and I ask,

"Where have I gone wrong?" Then a voice says to me,

"This is going to take more than one night." - Charles M. Schulz

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My boys are an exception, they always have been - I guess a real mothers bond is some think that just happens.... or does it, I never bonded with my own mother, but then she was never happy in this world or felt she belonged, I do now believe she was on the autism spectrum and totally misunderstood and we were both so busy trying to figure out life ourselves we just never found each other.
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But when it comes to relationships it’s like I feel it should be as in the movies and of course it’s not like that  so I avoid the subject otherwise find the buildup, thought better than the process of saying... Do not get me wrong, I'm not completely cold and do deeply care, love in my own way, but feel it’s not in the same way as others do - sorry finding this hard to explain without you thinking I have no feelings which I do, in fact at times overloaded with them, it’s just that I cannot seem to express how I feel - well I can but always comes across not as intended.. as we also often communicate different, which can add to being misunderstood.
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I feel my inability to express my feelings as feel I should and at times leads to overload of emotions, where I just want to curl up alone and release the flood of muddled confused thoughts... At times I seem to push away what I most need, leaving an empty void... Quite often in relationships we have great difficulty with the verbal expression of affection, it can be it is not just a case of feeling embarrassed or self-conscious with it, I understand that this may be difficult for anyone else to understand, but it takes a great effort of will to tell my husband how I feel about him.
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It does concern me that as I know only too well growing up can be so hard not being able to emotional connection or understand why! For years this has been a huge problem for me and as a young adult the consequences of not knowing can be soul destroying, in the past people have told me there was something wrong with me, growing up I so longed for that special connection, wanting so much to be truly in love, in fact my biggest problem was I would almost latch onto anyone who showed affection and become totally obsessed with wanting to be in love, for all the wrong reasons of course.

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So if you have a child who is grabbing onto you, pulling and hassling you… do not reject them or push them away as it could be there only way of showing and/or giving affection. Sure there are plenty of other fish in the sea, but if you're not anywhere near the sea – you may be in the desert – alone, alienation and isolated. Often this happens because our attempts from very young at showing emotion is misunderstood, rejected and once that window closes, it’s harder to climb back.

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When I had my own children at first I was like a child with a new toy. Then the responsibility over whelmed me for a while, I could not cope with life itself at times myself, but somehow with the children it just happened we bonded like I never felt possible, I felt such an intense love I never thought I could. Even after long exhausting days I would just watch them for ages sleeping in amazement, true bundles of joy. Of course parenting no easy tasks, being an aspie parent brings many additional issues… sensory overload being just one huge one. I never quite fitted the mother coffee mornings, I was the one with the bizarre behavior apparently, partly being very un coordinated did not help, etherized my differences.

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“Friends are friends

lovers should stay lovers

and should never be both

only complicates things for me

I find spook type logic works

Relationship boundaries merging

Just causes me chaos and confusion

So easier to keep as one or the other “

-  extract from my ongoing book -

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Those of us on the autism spectrum already have many difficulties being none verbal, relationship wise over, under emotional, obsessions, inflexible routines and rigid way we do things, seeing the bigger picture, lack of social skills, language use very "black and white" in thinking, persistent preoccupation with details, perfectionist, over or unorganized. I have found relationships have helped me as especially in a family situation have had to learn to give and take, along as among the chaos I can have my own space to retreat and breath and be the aspie in me now and then…

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For me it was natural to care for my children, but at times this forced me to live outside my comfortable zone and face the world, which at times seemed and still does even now in parts alien to me. Not always easy, other people have said I over mothered, partly I feel the perfectionism in me made me want to be the perfect mother, do it all so right… I tried so hard but just exhausted myself in the process. But parenthood is the best thing I have ever done, its helped to fill part of my deep empty void that was there for a long time.

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The hardest part has always been others judging me and my children so very wrongly at times, because of huge misunderstood differences…. And my continual struggle to find an emotional safe balance… that I can cope with and my partner can deal with. Being in any relationship can be hard, being a mother and wife has its own complexities, but as for us all an ongoing process as is life….

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As for being a woman and at times having to cope with being a  housewife, working, motherhood etc... and for some of us all at once... definitely my breaking point.... being a perfectionist and taking on too much just does not work , apart from having too many things to worry, think about... mind overload, in London it was like being on an express train and the crash was inevitable, these days try and keep my life more balanced, but that does mean backing off from what I am trying to figure .

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Don’t get me wrong I need and like people but not always on there terms, have tried having friends but they end up becoming too intrusive in my life and very few understand my terms, needs. I explain one week and it’s a problem the next Quote from asplanet forum post “sometimes I feel when we do explain things about ASD it just doesn’t get anywhere with some people, instead it may have to be demonstrated. I'm not saying you should do this deliberately, but if non-understanding people should happen to observe the effect of your 'social cup' overflowing, ie a meltdown or collapse of some kind, it may bring home to them that when you say you're peopled out, you really mean it! Only when they see it for themselves, will they 'get it'!!”

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How can you help us: give us space when in need and understand out boundaries, let us know if you are feeling  lack of attention or feel emotionally deprived, its not always intentional on our part, but discussing often helps close the gap. It may seem strange but often having some sort of rules for relationship which are clear, as little things can really upset us over time, make allowances for some of our oddities. Be sensitive to our alien world view. Always be honest we often can’t/won’t lie and try and be logical helps us make sense of things. But I guess the most important as with any relationship is to talk to each other, so if we have withdraw for a bit sometimes with us aspies emails, letters work just as well…

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 Someone ask me what lengths would you go to find a partner:

Of course I should answer, need to find self before even think of finding someone else, like minded who are happy with all our quirks and mine there’s….. but to me personally that has usually depended on my emotionally state at the time, the chase, the idea of maybe a relationship, often the unattainable as the real world not always as I see or want it to be. Is the part I have always liked, plus have more control over this part of any relationship, as the more involved with the other person I become their routines interrupt my life, so keeping a happy balance once with them is my problem, I think many of us stick in relationships because it’s easier for us to stay with what we know...
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When younger at times I was disparate to be loved, and consequence would also go to any lengths to find someone, I am the sort of person that needs someone around, but also my own space... not easy to live with or find someone to put up with my differences I guess. But unfortunately what I have found our misunderstood difference is often not tolerated by many and this can lead to us getting molded by who we live with to a point, losing a apart of self.
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Being diagnosed I am starting to find the real me, but this does cause friction between me and my husband, because things I would of put up with before because of my insecurities, things that never made sense to me before, I no longer will put up with, allow, I guess change is always difficult. So definitively I feel what lengths I would go to is all to do with emotional state, need, for me in the past I was driven mainly because of my insecurities, and because of that "black pit" empty void I never understood.... these days would rather have a good book, but do also enjoy the security of having someone around and to share my life with…

I do at times feel real passion, happiness is somehow missing from my life , but I also know I am the only one who can bring that back…. By finding Aspergers, rediscovering self is a journey that I have no idea where it will take me, but has made me relook at many things, some of that painful, realization of how my actions may have affected others and how so many times I have been so misunderstood…. Hopefully the future will fulfill me on my terms….

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I have heard that we often go for unconventional relationships as we do not fit into the stereo type norm, I am from the UK and my husband a kiwi and not a traditional person really. I feel people on the autism spectrum often mix cultures because we are not accepted always in our own and it's easier for us to be accepted more by other cultures who feel our differences are cultural and not necessary that we are differently minded. I like to think interesting people attract other interesting people the average "norn" has always bored me anyway.

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WARNING:  young aspies there is a need to be extra careful as often growing up we can be taken advantage of, because of our neediness, gullibility, and often desperate attempt to discover, understand and/or be loved, experience what we do not quite get like others… it’s all too easy to end up abused, suffer low self esteem. As a young adult all my early experiences were bad memories now,  Aspergers is helping me to make sense, mend some of the past damage but something’s I feel I will never fully get over.... but have had to learn to move on from....

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We cannot all be happy all of the time, for me life is a circle and at

times like a roller coaster. We need the lows at times to truly appreciate

the highs, as I find anyway long straight roads boring after a while.  But

the important thing to me is understanding self, reason for emotion, I feel

anger often comes  from frustration of the unknown, to me knowledge

is a key factor,  because as we learn we  progress, it’s when we just stop -

block out what at times the emotions we cannot handle, than problems

often arise... But I guess as for any minority  group, we feel more

comfortable with likeminded individuals as at least they understand!

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__________________________________

If you want to reprint and/or translated must make sure full

copyright notice is retained and the content is not altered.

Copyright © 2008 Alyson Bradley

www.Asplanet.info - Aspergers Parallel Planet

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 Making Sense (an ongoing journey):

  http://asplanet.info/index.php?option=com_content&task=view&id=83&Itemid=129

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How do you overcome being naive and my reply I am not so saw I can overcome who I am, but I now understand my reasons for my differences, being naive is just one of many, I guess as I grew I learned to change and adapt like we all have to, but if I had known as a young adult the rollercoaster relationship ride which at times seemed never ending, felt used, abused and spilt out many a time in the past, even guys use to ask me what was wrong with me, I had no clue back then...  feel the biggest issue is often as children we get put down so much, we often end up with zero confidence and respect for self, I truly believe as with my life now with real understanding, if we were embraced for who we were when born we would have the confidence to live a differently able life on our terms not everyone else's and to me thats where the problem lies...

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Come chat on AsPlanet forum ASD Relationships and Love  and

 lots more to discuss: http://asplanet.info/forum/index.php?topic=428.0

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Just a few posts from the ever growing relationship threads on forum:

Idea Partner:" I use to dream and still do at times, but my dream knight in shining armour never arrived, reality hit and even if you find your knight, the shine never last unless both willing to work at relationship, I feel it's always best to have things in common and both wanting same things, same direction from life. But never easy for us aspies as we often search for what is never quite there, different somehow. It's like some think is missing, how we see things in the real world, media etc... is never quite the same for us, maybe it's not for anyone but our emotional differences can cause many additional problems.

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We cannot win either way, when I want attention it's often on my terms, I know I go about it all the wrong way, but guess that's the only way I know how to cope with some situations, if someone starts to hint or I feel pressured I run for the hills ....My relationship always seem to improve when I make a little effort, but at times its the how, just getting it right is often the problem. So my idea partner would definitely be able to mind read, or maybe not... as sometimes what I think I may not mean like us all, even what I say at times... so could mind read only the bits I needed them too!. "

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LOVE" We know that people with Asperger’s syndrome have impaired or delayed Theory of Mind abilities that explain their difficulties conceptualizing the thoughts and feelings of other people, and conceptualizing their own thoughts and feelings. When a person with Asperger’s syndrome is referred for the treatment of a mood disorder, the referral is almost invariably resulting from concerns regarding feelings of anxiety, sadness and anger. However, from my extensive clinical experience of children and adults with Asperger’s syndrome, I would suggest that there is a fourth emotion that is of concern to the person with Asperger’s syndrome in terms of his or her understanding and expression, and that is love.
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Typical children enjoy and seek affection from their parents; they are able to read the signals when someone expects affection from them and recognize when to give affection to communicate reciprocal feelings of love, or to repair someone’s feelings. Children less than two years old know that words and gestures of affection are perhaps the most effective emotional restorative for themselves and for someone who is sad. However, the person with Asperger’s syndrome may not understand why typical people are so obsessed with expressing reciprocal love and affection. For a person with Asperger’s syndrome, a hug can be experienced as an uncomfortable squeeze, and the young child with Asperger’s syndrome may soon learn not to cry, as this will elicit a squeeze from someone.
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Donna Williams eloquently explained in her autobiography: Anne screamed in terrified hysterics as one of the professionals sat on the bed beside her tucking a doll in next to her, which seemed to horrify her all the more. Oh, these symbols of normality, dolls, I thought. Oh, these terrifying reminders that one is meant to be comforted by people and if one can’t one is meant at least to feel comforted by their effigies. (Williams 1992, p.177)
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When considering the feeling of love, the person with Asperger’s syndrome may enjoy a very brief and low intensity expression of affection, and become confused or overwhelmed when greater levels of expression are experienced or expected. However, the reverse can occur for some children and adults with Asperger’s syndrome, with the person needing frequent expressions of affection (sometimes for reassurance) and often expressing affection that can be overbearing for others. There may not be the varied vocabulary of affection expression that includes subtle, and for children, age appropriate expressions. For some people with Aspergers syndrome the expression is excessive. An adult with Asperger’s syndrome said to me, ‘We feel and show affection but not often enough, and at the wrong intensity.’
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In his autobiography, Edgar Schneider explains his confusion regarding love: At one point my mother, exasperated at me, said, ‘You know what the trouble is? You don’t know how to love! You need to learn how to love!’ I was taken aback totally. I hadn’t the faintest notion what she meant. I still don’t. (Schneider, 1999, p.43)
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A psychoanalytic study of Asperger’s syndrome suggests that such people do not fall in love readily (Mayes, Cohen and Klin 1993). I have conducted relationship counselling for couples where one partner has a diagnosis of Asperger’s syndrome. A question that I ask each partner is his or her description of love. The following are the thoughts of women and men who do not share their partner’s diagnosis of Asperger’s syndrome:
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Love is: Tolerance, non-judgemental, supportive.
Love is: A complex of beliefs that tap into our childhood languages and experiences; it is inspired when you meet someone that has a quality that maybe you admire, or do not have (admiration and respect) – or that they (someone you admire) reflects back to your ideal self – which is what you want to be or see yourself as.
Love is: Passion, acceptance, affection, reassurance, mutual enjoyment.
Love is: What I feel for myself when I am with another person.
The following are some of the descriptions of their partners with Asperger’s syndrome:
Love is: Helping and doing things for your lover.
Love is: An attempt to connect to the other person’s feelings and emotions.
Love is: Companionship, someone to depend on to help you in the right direction. Love is: I have no idea what is involved.
Love is: Tolerance, loyal, allows ‘space’.
Love is: I don’t know the correct answer.
Love is: yet to be felt and experienced by myself.
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In her book Aspergers in Love, Maxine Aston explains that: In relationships AS men are often very honest, loyal and hardworking, most will be faithful and remain with their chosen partner for life. They will give and offer love in the ways that they can. If their partners understand Asperger syndrome they will appreciate that this giving will often take a practical form. It is unlikely that an AS man will be able to offer emotional support or empathic feelings. Some women will not be able to live with the emptiness and loneliness that this can bring. (Aston 2003, p.197)
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The person with Aspergers syndrome may have remarkable compassion for someone’s physical suffering and be clearly moved by pictures of the results of a famine or natural disaster. However, I sometimes have to explain to a person with Aspergers syndrome that as much as blood trickling from a wound indicates physical pain, tears trickling down a face can indicate emotional pain, and there are practical actions that he or she could do to alleviate emotional pain in someone.
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A child’s rare use of gestures and words of affection can be lamented by the child’s parents, and especially the child’s mother. When she expresses her love for her child, with an affectionate hug, the child’s body may become ‘stiff’ and the child may not always be soothed by demonstrative affection when distressed. A mother may wonder what she can do to console her child with Aspergers syndrome when an expression of love and affection is rejected or simply is not an effective emotional restorative.
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The child with Aspergers syndrome may find confusing or misinterpret the expressions of love from his or her parents. For example, the mother of an anxious eight-year-old child with Aspergers syndrome would lie next to him in his bed as he fell asleep. This was an expression of her love for him, and ensured that, as he fell asleep, he would be next to someone who loved him. When I asked the child why his mother lay next to him, his reply was, ‘She’s tired and she said that my bed is the most comfortable bed.’
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Teachers soon realize that the child with Aspergers syndrome may intensely dislike public praise that includes gestures or words of affection. The person with Aspergers syndrome has a limited tolerance of affectionate and sentimental behavior in others. Chris explained that, ‘I detest sentimentality, which I think is a willful display of empty emotion over matters of no consequence, and it really should be avoided because it devalues the true expression of feeling.’ (Slater-Walker and Slater-Walker 2002, p.88)
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While the person with Aspergers syndrome can enjoy and express low levels of the expression of love, there can be a problem when he or she develops a ‘crush’ on someone during adolescence and the early adult years. The expression of love and acts of affection can be too intense. Someone’s kind act may be misinterpreted as having a more significant meaning than was intended. Due to impaired or delayed Theory of Mind abilities, the person with Aspergers syndrome may assume that the other person feels a reciprocal level of love, and may persistently follow around and try to talk to the other person. This can result in accusations of stalking.
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While we have treatment programs and medication for the management of anxiety, depression and anger, clinicians are rarely asked to treat a typical person for ‘love sickness’. However, specialists in Aspergers syndrome are recognizing that children and adults with Aspergers syndrome need education in the understanding and expression of affection and love, from liking someone and giving compliments, to being in love and appreciating the expectations a partner may have for sentimentality, romance and passion within the relationship. The education program on love and relationships needs to include an explanation using a series of Social Stories or Social Articles, of why typical people like affection and how it helps them; how to show you like someone and to know when they like you; and how to achieve a compromise between the level of affection enjoyed by a person with Aspergers syndrome, and the level expected by family members and friends.
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For a partner and parent with Aspergers syndrome, therapy can include education in when and how to express love and affection, and with what frequency. Sometimes I use the strategies used in Cognitive Behavior Therapy, such as affective education, to help the person with Aspergers syndrome understand the concept and feelings of love; cognitive restructuring to change thinking and behaviour; and desensitization to reduce the anxiety, confusion and frustration often associated with feelings of love. The intention is to gradually increase the person’s tolerance, enjoyment, and ability and confidence to express the range of feelings we express from like to love.
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Temple Grandin explained that:
My brain scan shows that some emotional circuits between the frontal cortex and the amygdala just aren’t hooked up – circuits that affect my emotions and are tied to my ability to feel love. I experience the emotion of love, but it’s not the same way that most neurotypicals people do. Does this mean my love is less valuable than what other people feel? (Grandin and Barron 2005, p.40)…………”

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As for marriage myself and many I know have families, and are brilliant parents as often more family orientated, if anything give to much of ourselves and are stressed by trying to be a parent as feel we should, instead of as are. Yes that comes with its own differences, but many like myself are happy in our own way, once we stop trying to conform and be what we are not, believe you me I should know after spending half a life time pretending, playing the part its simply does not work, we all need to learn to be true to ourselves and who we are as individuals. I feel those that have problems in relationships often are still trying to figure who they are, or not knowing who they are!

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But I do know and understand for many autistic individuals either we get over abused or have no relationships when younger, but this is because firstly we need to be embraced and have the confidence to be from when younger and secondly society needs to allow and understand us to be on our terms, this is what neurodiversity is all about. Otherwise many will continue to live a lie, be at odds with society and self.

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 Life and Love: Positive Strategies for Autistic Adults: Zosia Zaks, Temple Grandin:

http://www.amazon.com/Life-Love-Positive-Strategies-Autistic/dp/1931282935 

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Autistics' Guide to Dating:http://books.google.com/books?id=wFHwokAKsFoC

&printsec=frontcover&dq=jody+ramey&ei=uNKVSdr5MKWQkASIue3lCQ#PPP1,M1

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Misunderstandings - http://asplanet.info/forum/index.php?topic=1043.0 

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 Would love to hear about some of your experiences

Email me via contacts http://asplanet.info/index.php?

as by sharing our experiences it can only help us all

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