asplanet.info

Holiday experiences around the globe - changes / challenges

- how do you cope as a spectrum - wise individual!

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 As a spectrum adult, parent etc... to go on holiday for me means a mountain of changes and challenges, being out of routine alone can catapult me into chaos ... often far too many compromises all at once leads to untold worry, stress of the unknown, plus often I attempt so hard to fit in, I simply get it even more wrong, somehow I find it extremely hard to simply be myself on holiday and the consequence of this seems to bring more attention to self. The bright pink needle in the hay stack, the one that does not wish to be noticed, but somehow always is!

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Where I am often the happiness, alone around my local

bays, no stress from others, simply me and the elements!

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Why don’t I enjoy holidays who knows, a holiday I thought was meant to be a break, enjoyment, but so often trying to fit my needs into a stereo type of how I feel I am meant to be, how others feel I should, how I have been brought up, a combination of difference I guess. But often the very idea of going away a thought upon my mind, if only that simply but it seems to grow and race in peace so my stress levels rocket out of control,. You may think once packed and ready to go, I would be ok. But no, as there is always something to worry about, think about, stress about. But mainly I guess having to do things like everyone else, fit in and being a spectrum parent thinking about my own needs hard enough let alone my spectrum and none spectrum children’s differing needs, an impossible situation it seems at times. But also I realize most of the stress, overload is because of my continue thought process over thinking everything.

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We often sem to have different needs and at times I am tempted to put a long explanation in "do you have any special requirements" but how do we explain a life time of differences and when we try often it seems at times to make the situation worst, we can express but is there a point if no one is willing to listen or really understand anyway. So just maybe partly the reason I tend to avoid arranged holidays, because the very idea of being arranged and having to conform, fit in with everyone else enough to send me into shutdown mode. So to be very honest I would holiday at home all the time, accept I have a need to be out in the bigger vast beautiful world… but never quite so simply and holidays often not geared or meant for spectrum individuals as such, over exposure anxiety takes over, boredom another problem, what others enjoy and how tend to often differ.

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I guess having an over annalistic mind I do tend to stress and worry about what may happen, what may not work and so do feel if I could make all my arrangements personalized to suit me before hand, have pictures and maps of places where going, what’s needed, what’s not,  rules etc…. would be easier for me, maybe not the organizers.. So I simply tend to go on unorganized holidays, which often means sensory meltdown waiting to happen as whenever I arrive somewhere it takes me a while to settle, adjust. I so wish I could arrive and appreciate, but then I do usually settle and I often more than appreciate if I sense everything is ok, and then I can cherish those moments of being at one with the world that surrounds us all.

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To be totally honest as I get older, I generally find change that bit harder and feel more pressured, but as a parent I feel a need to do what we are meant too as parents….  Maybe we should make up some information sheets for others - relatives, grandparents, friends etc… if you want us to stay these are our rules… we need space to desensitize, please do not question or judge unless you are an expert, you may have no clue to reason, fussy eating often made worst by different situations and empty comments do not help, a need to do things in our own way and time, when we are ready, not when others say, as the intensity and overload from too many instructions may turn me into who knows, as strangers can make me nervous so can uncertainty, empty remarks!

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If I travel I cope by first being over organized, having things to stop the boredom, not having enough to do means hard for me to switch off and relax when away, always thinking what next etc… etc… and also to help me avoid situations that are scary to me, I can be over conscious of differences and be the one who others notice and the more I try to merge in, the more I often seem to stand out… it’s the unknown that really throws me. The more stressed the louder I can become, my safeguard to block out the world, my warning to give me space, time for me to run and hide otherwise a meltdown may take hold!

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I feel others should at least try and incorporate our way of thinking, making sure our needs are met in part at least… if that means bringing a computer to stop boredom , feel connected I do, try to leave out kitchen sink, but no joke… one forgotten item can cause endless unnecessary stress, which mines endless lists and checks before I even go away and then when I leave worry what I have forgotten. I think the ideal holiday for me would be if someone did the packing, unpacking, organizing and told me the morning I was going, no time to stress over then… Although I would be afraid they would miss something of course, so enough money in case.  The travelling itself of course can be very stressful, but once I get there I usually settle in ok, especially if there is something I like to do. 

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I prefer not too many people around or can become overwhelmed, if too many my thought process speeds into overdrive and on arriving I can seem like a half crazy ranting person that everyone then wants to avoid. I do like being out in the big vast world and for me the less people the better. I love exploring the wilderness and if only all I had to think about was enjoying,,,, often  not the case as many spectrum individuals like myself can least afford the holidays we may love, add in a family for us often camping great for getting away from others and reality for a bit, but being on top of each other 24/7 other problems… then if we stay in self catering I continually worry about everyone else’s mess, somehow I seem to be the only one that notices keeping the place as it should be.

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So I dream for now of a holiday on an island with just my family and maybe a few close friends and still each with our own space and everything magically take care of…. Really not in to meeting temporary new people, chit chat, never mastered that art and find extremely boring. It’s not that I do not like meeting new people, but often do not connect, but when I do connect I can rant for hours with, so maybe choose the type of people “spectrum aware or friendlyJ”.  But do not get me wrong, as really like the idea of having holidays,  just cannot seem to enjoy them, a lot of the time, as can find very unsettling and by the end usually end up feeling defeated, or its takes me the length of the holiday to unwind  and feel at ease, ready to start. I guess what other people enjoy on holidays or the way that the media portrays these holidays is just not for me.

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I do of course enjoy the world and on holiday have had some of my most magical, memorable moments have been when I have been traveling, but often a moment found in time when I sit alone for an hour or so and get that perfect shot, when life allows me time to be in my own reality like upon a lake in my kayak, a mountain top where I can feel as one with the world and where others often cannot seem to communicate the world often seems to, as the vast oceans whisper and often seem to hear when other do not notice… Maybe I simply need a transporter - which will just place me where ever, whenever I choose, like the lonely places on this planet where I seem to connect and feel so much more at home.
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Not so long ago I did transport my vision of holiday home, camping trip to my living room. My husband and older son had gone off to help build a worm farm for St John’s and I was trying to decide what I and my younger son would do. When he said let’s set up camp, so we did in our living room, it was cold and wet outside and we do have a log fire so we set up camp there, and a great excuse to put the phone on answer phone and pretended not in. My usual routine stress gone, simply relaxing hibernating at home was great fun, we ventured outside to get the wood, food or post made into a mission, just wanted to stay in our safe cocoon and not be see, maybe silly in one sense but extremely fun highly  recommend you to try.

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I could tell so many stories of misadventure, where I have been made to feel like an alien, an outsider, when at times I so didn’t want to be there and other moments of real joy when relaxed and found time to notice the beauty of the world. Maybe this short article can be the start of me telling many of my extensive travel tales and amazingly I have travelled many places and also recommend, as much as I find so hard at times within me a need to venture out and discover and I feel maybe something we all need to do to grow, but maybe we all also need to start to verbalize our needs as a spectrum community more, embrace the world on our terms.

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As for me what I feel should happen within my own imagination and what does miles apart, I often make too much effort means I end up exhausted and others, places do not match up... so maybe time for me to re-look the whole reason behind the whys and what's. But for now I await the spectrum island where we all have space and our individual needs catered for the spectrumwise way… if ever happens I volunteer to try. (Alyson Bradley - December 2009)

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Sondra Williams insights of what causes many of us to struggle during holidays - what causes her to have overloads, feel overwhelmed, anxious, tears, shut downs and meltdowns etc…and hopefully help give parents another perspective.

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One is of due to rapid changing sensory information that is of consuming me , such as the new strong smells of the foods, multiple peoples colognes, perfumes, shampoos, deodorants, new or strange house smells if visiting others.

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Two is of the rapid shifts in expectations of social demands and the rapid explosion of new voice tones, language that is of unfamiliar, people all speaking at once and trying to sift out the mass chaos of words coming at me and or bouncing from all angles of the room, and then expected to respond in a faster pace than what is of normal for me, and the delay of my response is of not respected and so people will skip over as if I to had no response for them or if I to try to speak others will speak over me and cause me to shut down and not speak or interact.

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Three is that too many things are of unpredictable there is of no set structure to function in, too many social rules to remember and not able to remember them well if things alter the rules, and yet expected to know of the rules and not given grace if one messes up.

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The fear and anxiety of sudden noises or changes in things and the noise of wrapping paper being of ripped up and the unexpected tears of younger kids or babies, and what to do if you get a gift that you are of not sure of what it is and so can’t say thank you if you lack what it is or what to do with it or some who lack aware that you can’t tolerate of scents too well and they buy of you perfume or other traditional gifts for you gender.

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Food infractions, not having an escape or a set place for to regulate of self or find a place to de-escalate, or if do that some will evade of the space and violate of the space and overwhelm of you with the words or scents and or questions and things of that.

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Some do not tolerate of the autistic emotional releases of self stimming or neurological stims of finger flicking, flapping, rocking. some do not listen to our subtle non verbal attempts to communicate our needs or our NO's to expectations and force of us to comply anyways.

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The event is of too long, we just want sensory comfort to calm ourselves and can’t find of it in the strange place that is of not our home or we are of not given permission to our own homes to escape as we need too for the purpose of self regulating.

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The constant changing of the door bells going and new coming in and or people coming and going, not knowing how to navigate around people in the crowded overwhelming space.

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Our possible lack of recognizing others faces can cause of us fear of not remembering of people and yet others assume we should know them.

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Ffear of using strangers toilets and fear of an accident.

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Being of touched and patted and bumped and such causes the panic of being touched again and this can escalate to full meltdown of self hitting, screaming, self rage, or aggression towards others, bolting, and or not knowing where our bodies are in space and knocking things over, spilling things, and being of punished or yelled at loudly as if it was of done intentional my list could go on and on and on but these are of those that my brain was of thinking of at the moment…

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My comment (Alyson Bradley) “Great insight Sondra I so relate to so much you say, sometimes it’s the little things that others may not even of thought about, as we often over worry, process and stress on every change and I can so easily be affected by many things as you say perfume, that also has a really bad impact on me and if around someone wearing a really strong scent my mind clouds into only thinking of that and wanting the smell to go away, but often as you say it’s all the little changes that add up.

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Generally I feel it’s like our routines, controlled worlds go into chaos with all the uncertainty, changes, simply being out of routine and being extra sensitive to everyone else's moods we always pick up on everyone else's stresses and sensory wise this is huge... we can contain our differences to a point when in environments we have control of, use to and have other understanding support individuals about!

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There is no one answer on how we are affected as still all individuals, but as with any child embrace I feel key is to remember and be considerate to the individual needs, give support as and when needed and to remember everyone of us a unique individual and we all have our own unique strengths and weaknesses... I have always treated my aspie and none aspie children the same, dealing with their individual needs!

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And I feel it has a lot to do with getting to know your child's individual needs and not trying to impose none spectrum ways on them without understanding impact... this article I feel is really great for helping none spectrum to understand how important it is for us to have space to desensitize and our emotional differences, which often get so misread. A Radical New Autism Theory (Overload of emotions!) : http://www.thedailybeast.com/blogs-and-stories/2009-05-11/a-radical-new-autism-theory”

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Alyson yes forgot that one but yes we can be of so very hyper reactive to others emotional states and it can cause us to react in ways that might seem unconnected or in ways others can't interpret and some assume the behavior just came out of the blue metaphorically which means it just came without any warning.

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One of the things is off to get to really know of your child , do much more observation than reacting and you will get to know of what makes us calm, what things escalate us and how to then advocate for us and or prepare an environment around us and or set the environment for success. But remember one can’t prevent us from every meltdown or prevent us from escalating but one can do their best to support us and teach us how to self regulate and seek out the escapes in a more functional way.

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Some also only like of us to share of the one side of autism the so called gifted and positive side but if we do that without giving equal regards to the things that challenges us and or we struggle in then we do the families an injustice in learning insight to help of their kids too, so that is of why I to try to share both to my ability.

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Alyson yes the biggest fault many non spectrum people do that impacts us negatively and greatly is off to apply NS (non spectrum) mindsets to us , such as like when I to really like of a person I to might refer to them as the word MY in front of them such as My Dr. Amigo it to me means of a sign of great affection or care to a person I to much like ... or respect it does not mean I to have a mindset of ownership, but some have applied that to me saying I to did that to act as if I to owned of them . that being of applied to me hurt of me greatly an caused of me to feel uncertain of my words or ways to show of care and affection to another.  But one such past so called friend person I to trusted did of that and that hurt of me greatly. I to have not such mindset to that.

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Or if I to be of hitting self some say she is of doing it for self attention..... My mind is of not that sort of social /emotional level to manipulate of a situation for a self gain. Nor do I to ever want of to bring of attention to self in a negative fashions..... The self hits are of a reaction of overload and major self frustrations, or sensory overload, fears, anxiety.

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Another wrong thing is to not be of honest to us in our dx some families do hide of it for years as if we are not aware that we are of different, we are of aware even if we do not have of the words to express it, we just lack awareness maybe of why and how we are of different but we are of aware we are of not connecting and are of functionally different so it leaves us painfully aware with no outlet or answers and no one to teach of us the positives of our selves.

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Yes it is the outside people, and some inside people too but mostly accepted by inside people. most of my care and dignity and such is of given to me by my supports of my psychologist and his office staff people and the families that go there, the community sometimes, and much of my birth family of me can be of like a toxic field of emotional... destruction for me. That is of why i to avoid social life too much outside of my home I to have a room to my house I to spend much of my life in and connect mostly to others by computer typing. I to have a few things that motivate of me outside of my home and that is of my therapy place, my church, my work (speaking on autism and serving to boards or similar sorts of work) and occasionally a movie or the book stores.

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As a child often would take of others toys without awareness the object actually belonged to another person to me lacked that sort of awareness and yet scolded as if were aware and doing it to cause of issues, and or having others mess up the patterns of the way I to had set up my play things. it was of not a typical play but a pattern play since lacked how to play in a developmental way of my own chronological age, but would become so frustrated if any messed with this pattern.

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For autisitic children this time of year can be torture

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Moving House: First I think we need to remember we are not all the same on the spectrum, as varied as those that are not, but to generalize we do like our routines and change usually find unsettling.... the key over prepare, give time  and not last minute and as a spectrum parent of a spectrum child, I have found my non spectrum child also dislikes change, moving most children... We moved from the UK to NZ and I involved my sons as much as possible, tried to make it seem like an adventure... we travelled for 3 months and while hard we never spoke about where we were going to live, until we knew. As I have found it helps to wait until the move is going to happen, before worrying them with the maybe's, let them choose some new things for their new room if can afford of course and I feel it helps to get them to write down or draw about the move away to offload, so they do not overload or withdraw and if younger maybe do not involve them on the day, well the stressful part, let them arrive and their things are already their, less for them to worry about Let them have some choices of where things will go in their new rooms,  if they feel more in control its often easier for them to deal with.

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I so know how hard continually moving is as some families have too, as a child I move continuously, extremely stressful and I internalized the hurt because, I had no one to listen, no one explained, no one had the time, guess all too busy wrapped up in the stress of the move, which can easy happen, as its one of the most stressful times for most adults and children, and often even more so for spectrum individuals. When I do move its like I cannot relax, turn off until everything in its place, so with children prioritize their rooms, at less they can have a safe place which should help with the transition and a hide away from the stress.

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http://asplanet.info/index.php?option=com_content&task=view&id=66&Itemid=110

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 I will soon start to add some of my insight here, of my our adventures

 and experiences, in the meantime please I would love to hear your

 views, comments, holiday experiences – add in comments below.

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