asplanet.info

frustrations, but also we need to find reason and then deal with what's causing

the problem, often thinking about things can be worse than talking about. And

as someone said on another thread "fuses blow to protect the main switchboard

Introduction:
Hi! I'm Necrodata and I have a collection of neurodiverse features: Asperger's, Gilles de la Tourette's, bipolarity, Lesbianism, MPD, Juno IQ (walked into Mensa), complicated by type 2 diabetes, COPD and circulatory problems. I'm a Shamanic Taoist Witch with a scientific, business and financial background and have also supported myself by performing and teaching music, I have and have had many interests and skills and have written for specialist journals. I am over half a century old but trying to grow younger. I have written comments and autobiographical fragments for the Asperger's Syndrome Planet Facebook Group, and at her request, have given Alyson Bradley non-exclusive permission to collate and show these on her website as we hope and believe that they may be of help and interest to others with similar elements in their lives. I hope that they will be fun too. I am anarchist in my political views: nobody has the right to tell any of us what to do or to restrict our lives so long as we are not harming other people; we should help each other according to our abilities and expect help according to our needs while being free from authoritarianism of all kinds. Alyson asked me to write this introductory paragraph so that you would know where I am coming from.

Me: I decided to include someone else in my conversation here in regards to many things, we will start and see where it goes, let's just say different states of mine. From bipolar to depression, alcohol to drug misuse, reasons and whys etc... I include Necrodata post as found extremely interesting and insightful, well thought out replies and I guess a different take, but not so unlike myself. "my request: I so love your honest and open conversations, I would so love to add to my web site as I so feel when we open up and share we help more than we know those that really suffer far too often suffer alone. Hugs Alyson x"

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Reply: Necrodata Thanatos 15 May at 11:44 

Me: Alcohol, drugs or whatever else I do feel it's a problem that has not really been addressed spectrum-wise. I feel it can be a real problem when many do not feel they fit, are not allowed, so no surprise want to escape from time to time, for young adults a dangerous time, because often their world seems better than reality to them, I lost myself for years.

AS alcoholics, drug abuse etc... because AS individuals often feel they do not fit the "norn" and if attempt to get help, simply do not fit into the groups, a real need for AS support groups that really do understand the REAL AS problems, real issues. As AS individuals needs are different in a way, more intense at times to want to be, want to fit and want so much to be allowed, often not understood can lead to all sorts of alienation, insecurities and when younger naivety often means many seem to take the wrong paths, desperate to get relationships or anything right, rejection by peers, unable to jobs etc... That's why I feel it's so important as parents we embrace the individual, allow the individual needs, otherwise as I did they may grow up and feel lost and confused, as trying to be someone else never works. But we so need to stop these youngest falling through the gaps, the damage can take a life time to repair'.!

in a way it applies to many differences, including bi-polar and other differences. But I also feel those of us on the autism spectrum often also have co-morbids and our combination of complexities can make life extremely difficult.

But I do feel generally there is nowhere near enough is done for young adults, the age where often the most support needed, whatever the reason and when it is far to often instead of embracing the individual, they try and tell them what to do, rather than include them, what is most needed and give them a chance to help make a difference themselves.

And far too many individuals live in the dark, because they cano not afford support, no one really listens to them or they are so lost and do not know where to turn, more of us need to speak out, reach out and give hope.

My mother also was an alcoholic and looking back I feel sad, because she was never happy, never understood and used alcohol to not have to face reality. It was only after she died I saw similarities in myself, I now feel apart from bipolar she had Aspergers, which in her day was not recognised. I have struggled at times with alcohol myself, wanting attention I did not need, wanting to be anywhere but in a reality that never understood or allowed me. But we have to face up your so right and stop the next generation doing the same, thank god I am able to be there for my children.

To me religion not the answer, another part of life we can hide behind various causes to find self, we have to be self. It's about time spectrum individuals realized it's not their fault others do not understand and they do not have to be ashamed of their differences, time for all of us to stand proud whatever our difference, as only when we believe in self, can we simply live.

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Myself mostly I try not to drink as know does not help

me, but at times an escape when the world crashes i

and no place to go... to me we all have a purpose in

life, finding the strength and doing what we need to,

not always so easy... because often with self belief

comes many obstacles and at times a lonely journey...

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Reply: Necrodata Thanatos
"We are strange to Norm & Norma Sameling. Female Asperger's has only just been described - Great Ormond Street Hospital - so physicians don't diagnose us if we are high functioning. We really need good friends; people act friendly towards us but they rarely really connect and they unconsciously feel our emotional processing as a kind of coldness - .like Mr Data experimenting with emotion. They give us what they see as "good enough" for someone like us and don't realize that we see through it instantly like an x-ray. While male Aspies are playing with maths and codes and shit we run emotional spectral analyses which we learned to do in the playground before we could label the ways we were being treated with words.

The only drugs I get compulsive with are those added by tobacco processors: 50 grams per day when I get started.

I have only had a few real friends - probably as few as one for each decade of my life.

The crazy thing is that we can't even do it for each other but can maintain liaisons that are loyal and patient but cool like bluetooth.

I just broadcast my affection without expectation of reciprocation and try not to need anybody. At a certain level, everybody is always alone.

I can be passionate with samelings but not with other Aspies. Aspie men are usually cold and, if you manage to turn on their passion, they get scared shitless and run a mile. Other Aspie wimmin know too much and you are likely to both burst out laughing if you get anywhere near meshing emotionally because you are both processing furiously. You can agree to do sex but it's somehow like a board game.

I have managed to open up my emotional channels but I don't know anybody who would be a good mesh for me. The bisexuals motto: Love matters more than gender - this is good but there are so many levels on which you can love someone.

When I moved house and went into the closet to get a bit of peace from the heterophobes, I got married to an elderly human rights worker then widowed and then had a bf who loved (licked) me like 10 Lesbians, until I was chapped, but wouldn't ever do the nastie (which he was saving for his other gf) because his amazingly pretty (Think Kate Bush as she was in the 1970s.) main gf had no conversation outside art and I would discuss and enjoy science fiction and science. I discovered this afterwards, after I'd phoned him and got her and we both found out about each other's relationship with him and she made him apologise to me and I'd asked him why he'd even looked at me when he already had her. She had given him a good hiding and trashed the kitchen and neither of us could be his gf after the betrayal.

A few years ago I met a young (18 YOA) bisexual man at a Derby Uni Fair Trade festival. I commented on the Michael Moorcock he was reading and found out that he was Pagan-curious as well as an SF fan. I told him that I'd tried being bi but had given it up and gone back to Lesbianism. Later we got drunk together in the wine tasting (red, white and bisexual wines - that was really funny when we'd tried a few) and he came back to my hovel and my bed where I showed him samples of SF & Pagan videos that he'd never seen before, then we went to sleep (to a loop of Buffy 6:7) and got up in time to go to a Pagan pub meeting so that he could meet some other local Pagans.

I have had several sexless sleepovers with both the main sexes based on sharing common interests; I think this is very Aspie. There is a warmth between them and myself and it is nice to travel together, for the togetherness/closeness/friendship/mutual affection/love/caring of it: the sense of temporarily belonging/being attached to someone, regardless of sex and sexuality but with something in common.

I have fallen in love with several wimmin who were not available and so I tried not to let it show and worked out that I could not have had a viable longterm relationship with them because of incompatibilities that falling for them hid from me. Jung only admitted heterosexual animus/anima projection but we each have both and paint the beloved with our anima or our animus or a bit of both according to the places on the spectra: how the sex and sexuality and gender (butch-fem) sliders or pre-sets are positioned in each of us. This means that we are really falling in love with ourselves, our projected ideals, until we withdraw the projections and really see the other for whom they really are. Aspie wimmin are too good at calculationg the trajectories of love affairs and seeing the end before living the beginning then deciding not to bother/risk it "

Me:  Necrodata so well written and extremely interesting. You have definitely got my thought process into overload. when you say:
"This means that we are really falling in love with ourselves, our projected ideals, until we withdraw the projections and really see the other for whom they really are. Aspie wimmin are too good at calculationg the.trajectories of love affairs and seeing the end before living the beginning then deciding not to bother/risk it"

In many of my relationships, it was almost like I was playing the part, being what others wanted, because I so wanted what maybe I could never have. I am now marriage and it is an ongoing process of self analyzing, trying so hard to be real and not do as others expect has been the hardest for me. Of course I have found a like minded partner in some aspects, because I now know will never fit into a stereo type "norm" relationship.

I also feel many spectrum individuals, connect with nontraditional relationships, trying too hard to find what will not work until they accept and understand self, reason and then can be a part of anthers life, we have differences and have to be able to understand and explain the reason for our whys and must important understand ourselves!

Sometimes I so feel the average relationship on how others perceive we should be and what we should expect is wrong, and often our downfall. I feel the whole concept of who we are, our needs and wants has to be heard before many will find fulfillment in any relationships, we can no longer be keep being on other individuals non spectrum terms!
 

"Thanx for your kind words Alyson.

Gay folk used to try to pretend to be normal and, if diagnosed by physicians, cures were often attempted or even asked for. Even now some are shy: When the woman you just had sex with is ashamed to sit next to you on the bus in your part of the city (not even hers) because you are out and she isn't (even though... See more you bought her ticket) but kisses you in a shop for buying her an addictive weed that you gave up partly because you couldn't afford it because she's already spent all her money on herself, you wonder what your relationship is about. Now, we walk through the streets in our city centres saying that we are proud of our differences and blowing whistles and flying flags, maybe even holding hands. Pagans are tryig to catch up with gay folk and there is now Pagan Pride. To show that I am proud of both and more, I had tattoos on both upper arms showing that I am Lesbian, Pagan, Anarchist and loving about it (There are three hearts worked into my designs.). I am considering having a Mensa tattoo and some other affiliative tattoos: all this and Juno intelligence too!

Somebody on WWW describes Aspies as being examples of neurodiversity and makes a connection between Asperger's and Lesbianism. Why can't we be proud of our neurodiversity like some gay folk are of sexual diversity? Why are we ashamed of being different from other people; why should we try to be like them? My IQ is in the top 1%, Mensa accepts the top 2% so I walked in; if I choose to sleep with another woman who has also chosen to sleep with me, should I feel shame that some thick, stupid folk disapprove; should I feel ashamed that my brain is differently wired and that I have forgotten more than most people could ever learn? If I choose to express my emotions publicly rather than hide them, does that make me inferior to Norm & Norma Sameling? If I wear a cloak on the bus on my way to a Pagan meeting instead of a muggle coat, should other Pagans shun me because I am also a Lesbian and have double-Venus stick-pins in all my cloaks or for not coming dressed as a muggle? I now usually wear my Matrix-style leather trench coat, with labrys and double-Venus stick-pins and manside buttons; its message is: you are all robotic clones but I know what's really going on and don't have to obey rules like you do.

Lets be proud of all we are. Each of us is a unique being. We shouldn't behave and dress like some fashion salesman tells us to. Nobody has authority to distort our autonomous natures or make us boring. If we find someone whom we love or like enough to live with, it doesn't matter what anyone else thinks about our family or how we enjoy each other's company. Little Shop of Horrors!

BTW: I think you look interesting & beautiful. X
Thank you for running this page.
Writing helps us clarify our thoughts and sharing makes us feel less alone

@Xxxx Xxxxxx: All the best to you. I am sure that you will find ways to return the support that your crutches give you. Organized events are good; I went to one today at our local hospital. It's a long while since I've shared my life with anyone, except in small bits; it would be nice to find someoe compatible but I do enjoy my own company - that's our special aptitude ;o)"

Me: I will come back and reply more fully later, but I have to say I so hate it when other churches or otherwise exploit valuable individuals.

 Reply: Necrodata Thanatos

We all have emotions, moods and cry. Some of us may

sensory overload but it does not mean we are depressed,

as there can be many reasons for various differences!

Today just another day, like yesterday and tomorrow I guess will be another, what ever we do days come and past, slow or fast a continuum of life, time never stops even if we turn off the clocks. Right now outside my window the world is covered in shimmering wet, the sky a mix of fluffy white, heavy grey with a hint of blue, hope for maybe the rest today.

Many of us who neurologically wise our brains seem to be wired differently, almost need to do many things in a certain way, a sort of coping mechanism I guess. For some of us routines, order is a must and so it amuses my at times that even drinking from the wrong cup can be a problem to me, logically this does not make sense. But with a guiding hand somehow it's and to remember I guess we are all creatures of habit to a point...

Crying does not mean I am depressed - let me explain, being over sensitive to the world that surrounds us and I pick up others people's feelings, stress, hurt quite intently and in turn this affects me. So at times I am flooded from an overwhelming need to cry, it's simply an overload of emotions, a build up and release of too much sensory intake, guess an Asperger thing.

I feel any emotion so intently it's like I need an outlet to breath and crying for what at times seems no reason to me, an irrelevance does seem silly at times, but I enjoy my moments alone, floods of release. Those of us on the spectrum can simply overload with being too sensitive at times to noise, sound, touch etc..., even people around us can affect us, many on the spectrum often intently pick up on others stress and it affects us, most people do to a point, but not with the same intensity as we do, my moods can just change, I think that's why I find it hard being around to many other people.

But of course reasons for the whys never that simply, some individuals simply highly sensitive who ever they are and what ever differences. Of course I have more than one neurological complexity, I also have bipolar one of a few other differences. bipolar also means neurological wired differently, so maybe that's more the key... how our minds are wired and bipolar is to me an extremity of my highly sensitive, in tuned mind. To me almost like an extension of being on the spectrum and feeling like I have been pushed to the edge of society to be able to experience my intensity of self, if that makes sense!

I feel sensory wise is the key to understanding those on the spectrum and its vital each of us has a quite desensitizing zone somewhere if possible, maybe need little caves quite zones. Because we often overload from picking up other individuals stress for whatever reason, which in turn means we are unable to focus as much on anything. And this applies to many situations, when in groups if I pick up on any negative stress it affects me so much I am no longer focus on what's happening around me, it's almost like we need to put the wrongs right, harmony to continue, otherwise it,s like our own safe zones are attacked!

Does anyone know anyone who have never been depressed at all, isn't it simply part of life, how we cope, what support, there are so many variables I cannot help but wonder has not everyone been affected to some degree, so wonder why many prefer not to mention talk about, when that's what often helps the most, instead of keeping the emotions inside!

I do realize depression varies greatly and affects each person differently, I have felt various degrees of depression throughout my life, for varied reasons. which differ greatly, having bipolar to start, I never know, but have had so much happen not sure I would know what life is like without depression as part of to be honest, anyway I for one am not ashamed of having intense emotions...

We should not be ashamed of any differences we have, as just another part of who we are as individuals, some of us have chemical imbalances, some others reasons, but it should not be looked at always in such a negative light my extremity of moods are a part of who I am and to be honest quite like, as I am often more creative when on an extreme.

Depression surrounded my mother all her life, suicide no joke, I watched my mother's many attempts, unfortunately not her choice, partly circumstance and she suffered serve bouts of manic depression, rarely a choice, but it's how we deal with it, what support we do or do not have and often others attitudes can make a huge difference knowing that others will not judge. There will always be negative and positive people, but that's not the same as suffering a depressive episode!

While I tend to be positive mostly, not always good because I find it extremely hard to reach out and ask for help, that's why I am speaking out, because I use to feel ashamed because of the attitudes of others, I hide what I saw as a weakness, what has changed I now fully understand, accept my differences, the whole list as part of who I am as an individual, the labels help explain and give reason, but like everyone I am a unique individual

Myself I deal with rapid cyclic bi-polar type 1, like my mother did. In fact my mother does not sound so unlike the women you mention, I think the difference is maybe growing up in the situation I did, I had to be strong, I still very rarely let others in and do suffer in silence, but I also realize I am lucky as I am stronger than my mother was,understand self and can control my extremities, not everyone can. Not everyone has my inner strength, I tend to control my moods these days with medication, but have not always and I so know what its like to suffer and feel no one understands. Parts of my childhood seem to removed to be real and not easy to talk about when others can not often even comprehend anyway.

I definitely have imbalances was tested, PMT while never added to, made me worst... My mother had to have hormone replacement large amounts all her life injections etc.... I have decided not to have replace for imbalances, but no where near as bad as my mother,s were and while I can deal with my moods they are very real, but not as extreme as my mothers for that I am thankful, but then she was a victim, as found life itself simply to hard too survive.

I think as a child I did suffer for a while from post traumatic stress disorder also, who knows... but hard to know as never really dealt with many of my problems to not so long ago, Facing up has helped the most, understanding more and now realize simply a part of my neurological complex personality, the problem with my self I have learned to play the part to well and others really see the real me. I do not see my self as a victim and do not really have a depressive personality, my moods are extremities of me and I feel I am more of a survivor

I would also like to add I have different emotions in that fact that I also have aspergers. But to be honest the depression and victim role makes me smile, hate all the role playing games!!! When younger yes it hurt not bonding or having a mother etc... but well over that, since she died if anything i feel sad that she was not able to be apart of life or understood and have totally forgiven her. But the one thing I would love is to have a brain scan and someone intelligent to explain my neurological wiring, now that would be interesting and fascinating.

Some one said to me quote ""Emotions are a choice; pick a good one. I think that is so ingenuous!"  While we can make choices I agree, sometimes you know not so easy, some of us are stronger than others, for that I am thankful and guess I also feel with something like bipolar, its apart of who we are, so we have no choice but to except, deal with and to me in away an extremity of moods apart of my many neurological differences.

With bipolar you have no choice when your moods change, yes we can control to a point and learn to live with, but its not a matter of feeling better, we are not broken as such, often simply apart of who we are as individuals... yes I can wear the false smile and pretend, but that would not be my reality how it is at times... we do not choose and I so know that black pit is all too real, however positive I am. Apart from bipolar having aspergers means I am also affected sensory wise and pick up on other peoples stress quite intently which also affects me, but I am happy in my own way, when others do not expect me to be or act like them, because all I can be is me and guess none of us can be happy all the time and for some of us our extremes simply are more extreme, to be honest I am use to me and have no problem mostly, but stigma, ignorance and narrow mindedness often still a problem!

Myself for years I put on a brave façade, but that was because I felt ashamed of being weak and suffered in silence... that's why I speak out, because the more we do hopefully others will, also I feel it helps, knowing we are not that different and in fact many have depression etc... to deal with and the more we speak about, somehow just makes "norm". I do know what your saying when you say some seem to continually complain, but maybe its the only was they can cope, because its not about comparing, its each individual getting the support they need as an
individual.!

Some other generalized points, just simply trying to give answers before you ask:. As my doctor has explained to me, PMT does not cause our existing differences, but may add to. Diet, life change many things can affect us all, the key I feel is having the confidence to be self, living a life that works for us not everyone else. And I rarely ever have headaches, but must admit like coffee first thing, apart from that chocolate always a treat, but mostly by body seems to want apart from my caffeine fix, which I do control as helps is cold water and nice food :)

But must admit did think twice before posting details about me in regards to depression etc... for a second :) I know some will judge and look at me differently, but maybe if that's the case they need to look at their own attitude!!! -  maybe we all need to smile, be silly more and not worry what others think...

As for being on the autism spectrum, we do have emotions, in fact we may be spook like to reason, but our emotions can be so intense we often get flooded, overloaded by them, it's the way we connect sensory wise and I feel this is a problem in it' self at times, we can' not always control our emotions like non spectrum so can overload into chaos. In fact while my bipolar moods under control mostly I take mood stabilizers, and as much as possible exercise, healthy eating etc... I still overload, meltdown shut down from spectrum sensory emotional overload!

Is depression in fact the right word, I tend to say I am neurological wired differently usually as I am for various reasons... I must admit I tend to say I am not depressed as such as do not feel I am, but do have many varied moods and an intriguing mind at times and so agree we need to be more positive and allow, accept our differences.

More Necrodata comments to follow at some stage

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But for now - Nutters unite in a new social phenomenon

http://www.stuff.co.nz/entertainment/tv/3996477/Nutters-unite-in-a-new-social-phenomenon

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