asplanet.info

"I may have been born different and misunderstood from birth, but

I know there is a place for me, somewhere in this universe." - Alyson Bradley

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I was recently tested around June 2010 and part of my test results from my local university, explains why I feel more in tuned with computers than people often. My processing speed fell in the superior range (97th percentile) which means I process information at a very rapid rate. Verbal fluency superior (98th percentile) ability to generate words in a short... period of time. My verbal fluency also superior no surprise their etc... but my test not all good, in parts where self taught below average in parts, ... but knowing I have huge strengths, but also weaknesses that were not embraced or understood when younger, if I can still do this at my age, I wonder what I would of been like if someone took the time to educate or train me as a child. So I guess what ever difference your child has, embrace the individual for who they are, otherwise they may end up with a chaotic mind like mine and mostly others often do not understand or find it hard to connect with me, unless on a computer, where I often feel more in tuned with people than in real life!

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My weakness tend to come out in test worst than they are, partly I feel test designed for the average "norm" mind and mine far from that. Partly I feel because I over process when put on the spot and others are around, I focus and work bett...er alone and can read and spell 100 times better than tests often suggest, but agree my weakness hold me back and frustrates me as takes me longer than would otherwise, to do many things. Computers have opened up my world and help me function, its as if my mind works better when computer linked, as seems to compliment each other, well that's how it feels and we both over load, shut down and continually process. Also computers help to rearrange my chaotic jumbled mind in parts, be it words, order of words, spelling etc... as often my mind faster than I can place my thoughts, so helps me make sense so others can understand me more, in reality at times a different story!

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Just to add  my tests where not in full, as related to another trail I was on. But I feel my perceptual reasoning would probably be pretty high etc...But saying that some of my weaknesses intellectual learning wise below 50, that was a bit of a shock, but feel also in part more to do with the test and how a neurological spectrum wise mind works!

I never bonded with my mother, I so wished I had understood her, as she was not so unlike me, and maybe if before she died, if only I understood maybe then we could of connected each in our own way. But like passing trains in the night that never happened because first she never knew and I never knew until after she died, in away that's what made me start to look at self, the person I never understood became me!

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 My journey of finding self has been lonely at times, wanting to stay with what I have always know, but feeling a need to know more, being pulled further into the unknown. As I self discovered many have said to me, maybe you should not put any personal stuff on your web site, but somehow I knew it was the right thing to do, my differences had been hidden for far to long.... all of us have our own journeys in life that helps to shape who we are. However hard mine has been at times, communicating differently and often being dismissed or feeling inadequate, alienated has not helped. My differences up until recently I never understood myself.... our life journeys can be hard enough, but growing up not understanding yourself or have others not understanding you can be devastating.

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Hopefully by sharing my journey I can help give some of you out there hope, I am now married, have a family, 2 wonderful children... worked for many years... I manage to get here, but many of my struggles I feel now were unnecessary, much of my pain and sadness of feeling on the edge of society, that often pushes aside what they themselves do not understand, I guess wanting to stay within your own safe confines can have a huge impact on others, we all need to step outside our own boundaries and try and see things from other peoples point of view from time to time... let me help you see though my eyes, give you an insight into what it’s really like, because without more awareness many will continue to suffer and often be so wrongly judged, misunderstood and not just the ASD children, often parents of these children get labeled so wrongly themselves…

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I have come a long way since being diagnosed and now able to understand myself, which helps me to see how I impact on others, but that should be a two way process, we all need to be more tolerable and understanding of differences. But until so much more awareness and understanding is available to everyone, many of us with Aspergers, especially those with other associated conditions, complexities will continue to at time feel at odds in this world or conform and live a lie, not being allowed an extremely exhausting existence...

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Of course being diagnosed correctly is not easy, especially later in life, finding a good specialist is hard enough... specialist teams very lucky if available where you are. For me I kind of diagnosed myself, after seeing a program about dyslexia recognized that many of the traits applied to me, so paid to have a whole day assessment using the Woodcock-Johnson III (WJIII) test, which was done on SPELD NZ which was a great overall assessment, telling me of many strengths and weaknesses, a test I feel everyone could benefit from, they are more into telling you your strengths and help support you with your weakness if needed, but they did tell me I have dyslexia, dyspraxia.

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But I just knew there was some think else, and so starting researching myself, gathered all the information I could until I was sure and then went to see my doctor who suggested it was quite probable I had Aspergers, lucky he thought so and picked up on what I was saying, still I wrote everything down in list form, whatever difference I could think of, which really helped the whole process... because we may change and adapt as we get older and things like I had huge speech problems when younger, do not really show now, but an important factor in being diagnosed...

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My doctor referred me a Clinical Psychologists, I very rarely visits doctors and as I had never seen any sort of psychologist like most people the stigma attached to seeing these sort of professionals concerned me, maybe scared of getting a label I did not deserve, after all no one had truly understood me, including often myself.  As the time neared I was excited as well as scared for my assessment appointment, my nerves felt they had been plugged into a power station on full charge, so you can imagine how muddled I was, but still got diagnosed within just one hour it was official, apart from the report which I help amend myself quite a few times, but we got there eventually - now officially an aspie, and feel my real life journey has just began...

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I can no longer keep looking back, as my past is my past my mother who was a manic depression, now called bipolar,  I truly believe now some of her odder behavior were due to the fact she also had undiagnosed Aspergers, and so had a need to control her own situation in order to cope. I do not feel all my mother’s frustrations and anger were due to with bipolar, some traits maybe but also I feel a lot was to do with her own struggles of a misunderstood difference and not understanding self. After she died I started to realize some of my differing traits were not so unlike hers, I guess I am lucky I now understand myself fully, unfortunately she never did, never found self, a wasted life lost!

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The stigma of words such as Aspergers, bipolar continues here in New Zealand, many choose not to mention and I in fact have been told myself not to say if have or not, I have been told have bipolar traits, but have never officially been diagnosed due to many factors, partly as others have said it will be held against me and others will be less likely to take me seriously, so no wonder many still suffer in silence. Sadly many here as yet still cannot even dare mention the word Autism, just the other day someone said you know the "A" word like it was shameful (May 2009). I have no choice but to be myself, have ever hard others feel a need to change me, I tried for years myself, pretending to be what I never could, it never worked the real me is still here!

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The Future looks bright, with new fund hope and reason!

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a degree. So having Aspergers and not knowing when growing up,

to me was always like I had some dark shadow over my shoulder,

close behind effecting my every move, and no clue why.

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Now I know I have Aspergers, it feels like a part of my life was stolen from me.

My mother was also taken from me, not being able to be a real mother. She

was so misunderstood, miss diagnosed so many times, she always felt like

she never belonged and consequent of this, she was never happy in this world.

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My mother died last August 2006 and this is a paragraph from the service

reading that I wrote just after she died, not knowing she had Aspergers then.

But I always knew just like myself, she was different somehow!

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"I feel a dark sadness and at the same time joy & peacefulness. To me my

mother seem to have sadness around her, like a lost child – she so often seem

to be isolated in her own world, who knows maybe it was a better place.

Let’s hope now she can find true inner peace on her new journey, and

comfort as her ashes rise into the light, like a trapped angel who is set free".

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My mother was never diagnosed with Aspergers unlike me, she never knew

and now never will. But after she died I started questioning things, which

lead me to discover so much more. If I can help just a few people, to feel

and be their true selves, then that’s all that matters. That’s what my web site

is all about and to help raise awareness and understanding for everyone.

I was lost as a child and have now found my true self, the real me.

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The missing pieces, puzzle now begins to fit!

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Many of us on the spectrum often have a level of frustration that has built

up over the years as a result of our unknown difference maybe Autism.

Some of our extremities maybe I now feel partly caused by society, as often

our differences not understood or allowed, in away an enforced conformity

and at times I feel the professionals in a need to understand us give us

labels to try and understand some of our complex layers, but to me

just the way I am and I know now that I will never fit into any tick box!

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A Brief History about Me (Alyson Bradley) & My Family

I was born at University College London; I have a twin brother and an older brother and sister. I will always be there for them, as our childhood memories is something only we can relate too, due to our chaotic childhood there will always be a bond between us. My dad was a good man, but found it hard to cope with my mother and all of us. But he has and still is there for us, and that means a lot. Still when growing up whatever happens to you, at the time seems quite normal, as no real comparables. I often preferred my own little world, daydreaming and fantasizing, but isn’t that what children do.

My mother was never really happy and ill for most of her life. She died last year 2006; she always lived in London, England. She was diagnosed eventually with manic depression (known as Bipolar now), I’m also very sure she had Aspergers, but not recognized back then. Makes some of the things she use to do make sense, like rocking in a chair for hours, never feeling like she belonged, so misunderstood and emotionally very detached, feeling the need to isolate and cut herself off from society.

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There is so much more to this, maybe another time. Anyway consequence of this she was in and out of hospital mainly for her mental state. Stuck in her world she became an alcoholic and was often suicidal, and yes like lots of other people – she got all the wrong help, electric shock treatment, continually being passed on and misunderstood. She never really was able to function as a mother, most of her life was hell, as was ours as children – having to stop her many suicide attempts, in and out of different homes – not something I tend to be able to talk about a lot of the time.

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Back in old days if you were misunderstood, like many others you

were given electric shock treatment... did not change a thing of course,

just slowly lost more of yourself and confidence to want to live.

Anyway school I got through somehow in a daze, if ever ask to read aloud I would just freeze and die inside, any pressure seem to make my inabilities worse. I grow up hating the person who was never able to be a real mother to me, and dreaded going to school and being bullied. After just surviving school, without any qualifications was lucky to be accepted at a really good art school, because of my art work. Started an art foundation course, even though I loved art and knew how lucky I was to be accepted at such a good school, I still felt very lost, alone and confused. With very low self esteem I found it hard meeting new people, being in new situations and with no real support, couldn’t cope with this wonderful new art world that I had just found. Feeling like an outsider decided to leave, which really was a shame, as art was and still is what I truly love doing.

Also felt pressured to get a job to support myself, so took any temp jobs available. Work varied greatly and was amusing, interesting, good and bad, I guess I learned quite a lot from doing these jobs. But found it very unsettling and needed an income to pay my rent. So when my sister in law got me a job in a local Council, jumped at the chance, stayed there and worked my way up for over 20 years. The safe option, even though I worked in a very stressful environment, I liked having the routine and I guess my work place became the family I never had. Had some really good and really bad times there, just like family life really. Anyway I ended up with a great job taking a lead role in the Council in streamlining & implementation of a new computer system, which I really enjoyed, for the first time I was not bored at work. But unfortunately my eye sight was deteriorating and my health was suffering from the stress.

So three and a half years ago came to live in NZ, as my husband is a Kiwi and we both felt it would be a positive move for our 2 children. Also our London life became very hectic and stressful, it was becoming increasingly harder to spend any quality time with our children. I have always loved walking and being in open spaces, so I loved NZ straight away and still do. The first few years were quite hard still missing my friends and family back home. Also my eye sight was becoming worse, in fact it got to the stage where I could only see about 1 ft in front of me. I think that has to be one of my lowest points. But it made me see and look at things in a different way. I now really do look, see and appreciate everything and every detail. It was like for a while I was in a dark space, and everything outside that space, no longer existed. When you are unable to fully focus on things, they no longer have the same meaning or relevance.

Lately I have been trying to discover why I am different, use to that now and I like who I have become. Anyway really I would not want to be a clone, never have or will be someone who conforms. I have always loved a challenge, push boundaries, try new things – so who knows what is next. Maybe I will write a book, as there is so, so much more to my life and so many interesting, funny, even painful events and experiences.

Because my mother was always at the doctors or in hospital, that’s one thing I have avoided - doctors or taking any medication, so have really managed my condition myself. At times maybe not always to my best interest or my families, there again as found out, perfect does not exist – so I’m quite normal really. Who would want to be perfect, sounds boring to me, and anyway those with disabilities I often find more insightful and compassionate. But one thing I do now know, we must except and love ourselves, before we can help others.

Over the years the syndrome has had less and less affect on me; being diagnosed has really helped me to understand myself and to lift a lifetime burden of inadequacy, guilt and confusion. My twin brother, I, my brother and sister have all suffered the burden of my mother’s illness and problems ourselves all our life’s. I intend to find out as much as I can about Aspergers and associated conditions, because to understand is to be free. From now on I will celebrate being me and hopefully the next generation of children can enjoy their special gifts.

Recently my twin brother’s son has been diagnosed with Aspergers, and one of my cousin’s sons has been diagnosed with Dyslexia. There are also quite a few undiagnosed possible Aspergers adults and children in my immediate family. This is just my opinion, not fact. My mum, my sister’s two sons, my twin brother and my brother and his older son, and thinking about it probably quite a few more on my mother’s side. As I find out more I am hopeful that not only I will be able to help my family, my brothers and sisters and their families – but I want to reach out and help as many children as possible, because no child should have to grow up so confused and lost as I had to.

Happy in my own space within the world!

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Hopefully this web site will help some of you and/or your

children to find themselves, may peace and happiness be with

you all, and thank you to my wonderful friends and family

who continue to be there for me and at least try to understand.

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Maybe my upbringing has not been as conventional as some, but each of our journeys is ours alone and so can only share mine, as a child we know no difference and sometimes I feel Aspergers helped in parts when very young, but long term the impact of my upbringing together with a misunderstood differences was to cause me much pain as a child, young adult as I tried many times unsuccessfully to fit in, find my place in this world…. it’s taken me at times I feel half a life to get where I am now, but many have suffered so much more than me and continue to, we all need to reach out and help those more in need, as this is the only planet there is and we all have a right to a life here…..

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 Born different

What chance did I have

Born as the second twin

The after thought

The one that cried

Rushed away after birth

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My mother only wanted one

I was the problem child

Alone to scream out loud

Awkward, gawky , sad

I never really fitted

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He was cuddly, I was thin

He smiled, when I cried

He had bright blues eyes

Mine were different like me

Odd, One Green, one Brown

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He got all the attention

A happy cuddly bundle

They would just look at me

what’s wrong with that one

As I was sick yet again

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My name is Alyson Bradley I have Aspergers, Dyslexia, Dyspraxia and more… this site is about my journey and to celebrate and share all the good, positive and wonderful things about having Aspergers, but also their is a dark side the consequence of not being allowed self from birth! I cannot put into words how grateful I am to of finally found me, I now feel I have a true identity. I do not feel I need a cure, more awareness and understanding would help, and from time to time like everyone else some support would be good. But for me acceptance and allowing for my differences is the real key, we need to learn to embrace who we are.

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I was born different and I do in fact have various communication problems, do not always communication like everyone else, these days most of you would not notice but often a struggle for me it’s like at times my voice won't say what my brain wants it to i.e. inconsistent speech errors and capability, often can drop ending or beginning of sounds in words strewn together in a phrase, or find pronouncing some sounds extremely hard. So please remember a parent's intuition is usually always right, listen to your inner voice and take action because the right support really helps, I never had that and when communicating on everyone else’s terms all the time it’s so exhausting, so please be more open-minded if you do not understand someone, do not dismiss them.

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My world to you may seem lonely, but I love my existence when allowed!

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Education something I have found almost impossible all my life, school a continue struggle misunderstood and bullied, I did manage to get myself onto an art foundation course which meant I would of gone on to St Martin’s in London, I had no education and they excepted me on my work alone, that’s one thing I so regret I never had the courage to follow up, I was so confused when younger, surviving was my key function!

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There is no going back and I cannot replace what I have done, but years ahead to make up, as being diagnosed and getting to fully understand self has made a huge differences to me, but still due to the way I hyper-focus and a need for my own learning style which is fastidiously autistic and self-oriented, and my many learning disorders, differences that really impact as well, who knows what the future holds, but it is looking so much brighter, not only because of my new found knowledge, but the brilliant autism spectrum individuals that I have meet on my own journey.

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 I have been thinking on where I fit in and I do feel everyone is affected in different way to exposure to society on or off the autism spectrum and there seems to be a fine line where one is on the spectrum or not, just like with many things as we are all different, some individuals seem to be more spectrum friendly than others   But I do feel for those of us on the spectrum often its more intensified and because we process things differently, and often distracted easier in main stream society its generally harder to cope for us. It also seems to depend on what co-morbid, associated conditions etc... We have and the more neurological complex we are the harder in general it seems to be for us, with all my complexities surprised I cope at all at times. 
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Many individuals seem to be highly sensitive to the world around them on or off the autism spectrum like my none spectrum son and husband, broader line spectrum I call them, easily distracted by noise but do not seem to have all the other sensory processing issues many of us do! example like myself cannot absorb information properly with someone else around, this is one aspect of autism that is very sever in me, I have to process information in my our way and alone, ask me to feed back and others often do not understand!
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Meeting one on one fine unless take an instant dislike!, otherwise I can become a ranting bamboo especially if surrounded with too many newbie’s! But the more I adapt my life to suit my needs the easier it is for me, I guess recognizing I will never be a main stream individual and by helping others understand the reasons I do things the way I do, I have found in general most individuals quite accommodating or at least try. But when I never understood self, it was horrendous at times, like being thrown into a pit of snakes with the noise turned up and not being able to think or know which way to turn, over processed and shutdown! 

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There are times I wish I could live in my own world, with my rules. Why cannot society just except me for whom I am, Aspergers isn't such a bad word or being on the autism spectrum. Should I be made to change just to please others! To be honest having to fit in all the time and do things like main stream society generally can really bore me at times, and/or exhaust me. But I’m expected to, feel I have to conform, fit in how ever alien it seems to me, with a false sad smile on my face at times. Pretend, pretend does not work, however we are and what ever our differences we all need to embrace self.

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If only it had been recognised that I had Aspergers and my many other complexities, differences when younger. Maybe my life would of been different, maybe I could of just enjoyed being a child, having relationships like everyone else, socially enjoyed myself, but somehow I think knowing would of helped like now, but would not of changed me. But I so hope no one has to stay as lost, confused as I was for as long as I was, even when I discovered my differences in my forties in been a process and taken time to fully understand, a diagnosis is often the start of in away reinventing self to enable us to embrace and feel we have a place on this planet!

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One of my many associated neurological differences Dyslexia, has now been recognised by the Ministry of Education here in NZ, and also been recognised in other counties worldwide, but not all yet: Progress here in NZ: 4D is for Dyslexia - http://www.4dschools.org.nz/

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My comment: Understanding dyslexia :Having struggled to make sense all my life with one many differences, it gives me much hope for the next generation of children with such information and site like this.  Dyslexia is just one of my many neurological differences; others include Dyspraxia, Aspergers ... I am a combination really - as Donna Williams would say, "a fruit salad mix!”. School to me was a total waste of time - a nightmare - and I hate to think of any child suffering as I had to at school and growing up feeling alone, alienated and having no choice but often feeling a need to retreat from the world.

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Dyslexia and education up until now, and thank god that is changing, just never use to mix. It was like I had some horrid dark shameful secret, I had to keep all to myself and did not even realize it had a name, so the horrid problem was mine all alone, for far too long. I hate the stigma that seems to come with having Aspergers, Dyslexia, and Dyspraxia… because you really can be very bright and have all of these, I’m certainly not dumb or crazy. But at times very misunderstood, my words and thoughts can jumble as I talk and write!

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Dyspraxia I also have the privilege of having, if only I had known this when learning to drive. Even though passed within 3 months, cannot understand why I did not enjoy, like everyone else. Just found the concentration and focus part so, so hard to do, and still do. In some countries now, there is help and special lessons with driving for individuals with dyspraxia.

Just simply things like learning in an automatic car, can really help. Co-ordination, I am the orginally bull in the china shop Talk wise maybe "verbal dyspraxia", or a combination of things but others often have trouble translating my thoughts!

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Aspergers does not change who I am knowing, but would of made such a huge different growing up and being able to understand who I really am, there have been some dark painful moments in my life, and I cannot help but wonder what it would of been like to of been excepted for my true self. I will always carry with me a deep sadness for my loss. Now I have found the new me, do I mourn for the years of confusion and chaos, the dark shadow may of been lifted, but at what expense. Until now often it has felt like I was here, but in a parallel existence at times, hence web site name!

AS Symptoms - http://asplanet.info/index.php?option=com_content&task=view&id=29&Itemid=63

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How we communicate and are perceived by others is often the way we are judged... the times I know I am just ranting on, not listening to the other person, at times its like I just need to talk, be heard, not sure I even need a response from others, but I do know to process information I often have to read aloud and will only do that alone, like speak to myself this is only to help me process certain thoughts!
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I never have and never will communicate totally like everyone else., when younger either silence or my verbal dyspraxia (for more on this: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Verbal_dyspraxia) kicked in when nervous and I talked in jumbled chaos... a great bully target , I still jumble my words and repeat at times, go off speaking on subjects no one is listening to or speaking about, I know at times I shouldn't... but why, and now have the confidence within myself to now say thats just me .

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We can teach our children how to fit  and feel more comfortable with the majority, how they do this has to be on their terms as well, as pretentding to be what wre are not often means we feel at odds, and maybe we need to find and be allowed to be true self. I will always be the extra awkward one when meeting new people, on ranting on and no one is listening... so I feel its more important that confidence is instilled in being who we are, would you tell a blind person its preferable they see to fit in! What I am trying to say if we try and change our children too much, they will not be comfatable being themselves...

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But I'm strong and unlike my mother, who never felt she belonged or wanted to live in a world where she was never understood. I'm lucky I have somehow manage to survive, even though at times felt at odds with the world, I have a wonderful family and now living in a wonderful place New Zealand. But please try and understand instead of wanting to change people on the spectrum, embrace and understand these differences, as its a part of who we are. Far too many people have suffered and continue to unnecessarily, do not add to that!.

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Past pain and remembering back continues to help set me free, as much as

society will allow. AS is not a disease and I’m not ill, but for some reason

whenever mentioned, its followed by the secret code: a nod, a wink, a

blank smile and if another person pats me on the back I will simply scream!

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Exclusion from society: This one perplexes me, my own mother years before she died stopped seeing anyone, including her own children. Growing up she often was never there or able to be for us, and when I grow up and moved away, when I did visit she would often hid away in her room not wanting to see anyone.

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As I get older I cut myself off more and more, but I do wonder is this partly because the majority of the world crushes our every turn, having to continually explain, trying to fit it can become tasks in themselves. Maybe we grow in confidence to believe and be who we are, are we really lonely or does society not allow individualization, to be honest if I had the control to reinvent my own world, would be so much happier... but I am not allowed, so guess it does get lonely living in a world that does not want to allow me to share my diverse difference, so what choice do I have but to enjoy this world behind closed doors....

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At least with computers we have cyber space, where we grow in numbers and begin to have a voice, and I now feel I have a community I never knew before. Many of us choose to have animals as friends as other people often just do not understand, animals don't mind our quirkiness, and they can be affectionate, whereas people often aren't on our terms, well not in the way we need.. we seem to connect at a different level. If we do not show our emotions the way your use to, does not mean we do not have any. we do seem to have a nature connection/understanding with animals, they seem more in tuned with the nature world like us, where as many others seem to feel the more they consume the better they are. I feel we have a much better respect for animals and the world in general.

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I am not trying to impose my world on you, but hope your listen and at least try and understand. As your world and terms have always been imposed on me, never worked, never fitted... but I am trying and having to deal with the realization that in fact my journey up until the recent discovery of Aspergers and myself. I have unintentionally hurt many, suffered in silent myself, and still find it extremely difficult at times to fit without wearing a mask and pretending as I have had to learn to over the years... will I ever fit, do not know but for now at least those around me are beginning to understand, and I no longer feel so alone. In fact, I quite like my new bubble I have built to protect myself at times from the harsh realities of not being allowed.

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My biggest regret looking back was that I did not have the confidence or social skills to follow through with my art, my dream. I have Aspergers and many associated conditions, the more complex we are the harder it is for us to fit into society, when younger I could of gone to any central London art school on the strength of my work alone, as education to me was like trying to mix oil and water together it just never worked and lacking confidence not only because of my difference, but also being in an education system that was back then not designed for any difference. I just couldn't cope, and without any support I just got lost for many years like unfortunately many differently minded individuals do. During my lowest points in life however, art is one of the things that has kept coming back, provided a lifeline of sorts and at times continues too... I guess I have to be thankful that my move to NZ has given me time to help find true self and art again...