asplanet.info

 Full Circle, representing some of her feelings about with

Aspergers Syndrome. - Alyson Bradley's self-portrait

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Diagnosed with Aspergers late in life mother and wife (Dec.07)

When first diagnosed back in July.07 to help come to terms with having Aspergers, I wrote an article regarding awareness of aspergers syndrome and I received so many insightful, informative and supportive emails in response.

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It inspired me to build my own web site Aspergers Parallel Planet, as when first diagnosed I had some strange comments like is it a disease, why didn’t you tell me before. As for being a disease no its not, it’s part of me and who I am. Would it of made a difference knowing, to me yes and it has already helped me to understand so much, but really I’m still the same person.

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I soon realized that my real problem with having Aspergers was in fact not being understood by others. So decided to continue writing and hence my web site grew, instead of becoming frustrated and to stop the feeling of being isolated, as no real support was available to me.

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Unfortunately have found quite often the so called “normal world” often see us as outsiders and keep us at arm’s length.

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Since being diagnosed it feels like I am studying for a degree in Autism, it has taken over as I need to know and understand myself. After years of feeling like the outsider, knowing I was different but not knowing why, having to live in your world, but feel happier in mine. Suddenly when diagnosed everything seem to make sense, and at last able for the first time in my life to be my real self.

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What I have realized is our symptoms are in fact ourselves Aspergers is just the way I’m wired, we are all different and have different symptoms, on the spectrum or not. The way I now explain things is that NT’s (neurotypicals) see and think one way and Aspies (individuals on the autism spectrum) see and think another way and our wires continually get crossed.

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I have only started to understand my differences and who I am, I want to share them with the world because I know there will be so many more people as lost as I have been for far too long…

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I think my journey truly started when my mother died the year before last and I am sure now she had Aspergers like me, I was only diagnosed last year 2007. My mother was never able to function in this world and she did drink alcohol because she could not cope with life as it was. I also started going down the same path... but after she died I started to really look at things and could see I was turning into the person, I thought had caused all my problems and pain, it was only really after I stopped drinking alcohol a few years ago now that I started to really look for answers and last year I was diagnosed with Aspergers and other associated conditions... well diagnosed as much as can afford for now – who knows what labels I would end up with if ever fully assessed!
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There is more to it than just being different and throughout this web site will venture into other areas. Try and understand our other differences also like we both have, had hormonal imbalances, in fact my mother had injections all her life hers was so bad and she totally was more closed off from this world than me, like many of her sisters.

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I believe there is some think in the sixth sense, people on the autism spectrum often mention this. In fact, my mother’s mum and her sister were healers, one quite well known.... I call it a sense of knowing, it’s more than intuition - but does cause problems as I just know when people are not genuine and just shut down. We do seem to have a kind of connection, understanding with animals, and there are so many other answers I need to find.  Sometimes I feel it’s my sixth sense that makes me back away from the world myself at times...

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Article: the start of my journey -July 2007:

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Awareness of Aspergers Syndrome

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After a lifetime of seeing the world differently and not knowing why, Alyson Bradley has been diagnosed with Aspergers syndrome. Now, she offers some insight into her life

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Aspergers syndrome? You may well ask. I did not think or even know about it until recently. I'm in my 40s and have just been diagnosed with Aspergers syndrome. I also found out I have other associated conditions like Dyslexia and Dyspraxia, this helps to explain some of my learning difficulties, never like driving Dyspraxia, writing things down near impossible…my mind works too fast and muddles thoughts – computers have helped change that. I also had Clutters a speech disorder when youinger among other things…

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Anyway apparently, often people with Aspergers will have other learning difficulties. Dyslexia alone would be bad enough (but I think about 10 per cent of the population have it to some degree). Right now, though, I'm still trying to get my head around being an Aspies. All of a sudden, it's like not being who you thought you always were.

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I have always been different but I never really knew why. Anyway, not so long ago I saw a TV program about dyslexia and could relate to so much of it, I decided to find out more – which led to me being diagnosed as a dyslexic, dyspraxia adult, who also has Aspergers. I never really thought about or knew about it before. That's why I'm writing this – because I'd hate to think of anyone else having to be so misunderstood for as long as I have been.

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I'm attempting to give you an insight into what it is like being me, and explain what Aspergers syndrome is – as I see it anyway. Then, maybe, if you have a child or know someone who is a special gifted unique individual, you will be able to understand them a little better.

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Aspergers is known as high-functioning autism (HFA). One person in 100 has an autism spectrum disorder; this includes people who have Aspergers syndrome. About 40,000 people have autism spectrum disorders in New Zealand. Everyone is affected differently, as we are all individuals. You really need to live with it to fully understand.

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Whatever their general intelligence, everyone with the condition shares a difficulty in making sense of the world. However, IQ tests often show superior intelligence and high memory capacity. Aspergers is found among all races, nationalities and social classes. It affects four times as many boys as girls, but that amount keeps changing as more females come forward (it could be 50/50 who knows!) and in case you're wondering, yes, I am a female, mother and wife.

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Emotionally, at times, I just do not get it. I'm not even sure if I love and feel like you, and that hurts. Over the years, I think I've learned to act like everyone else. But things just do not always seem to really feel right. At times I can be quite emotionally detached; needing my space and the thought of being touched by anyone can be unbearable – even by my husband.

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I can go through emotions robotically, but feel no warmth, just cold and distance. At times like this, my expressions of affection and grief are often short and weak. It's not that I have no feelings – I seem to push everyone away, but inside I am desperate to be hugged and loved.

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I might not react to situations the same way as you. When I was younger I could at times totally over-react and be out of control. When I was quite young, my twin brother and I would be laughing when everyone else was crying or sad. But these days I do not react much at all. I just want everyone to go away, so that I can deal with things in my own way without being judged wrongly.

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It can be so lonely at times – unable to discuss how I feel – because most of you just don't get it. I have tried to explain, but others seem to think I'm naive, living in a fantasy world. So over the years I have tried to change, to make sense of things and be like you, even if it means deep sadness for me.

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However, I do experience emotions, and, indeed, have a tremendous sense of humor – just one that you may find hard to relate to. Music helps to blank out my muddled thoughts. No matter how bad I feel, if I go up my local hills alone, so it is just me and the world, it really helps to calm and refocus me and everything seems OK for a while.

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But what really makes me happy, right now, is painting, which I pour my emotions into. Yes, I can truly say that when I'm painting and playing music, I'm very happy. I also spend as much time as possible helping out at the local school, because the children are a real joy to be around. The Aspie community and websites is a place where I now feel a connection to, my new family it seems.

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I have always had problems with speech. As a child no-one could understand me. Now, especially if I'm meeting new people, my speech can become muddled and fast. I blurt out whatever first comes to mind. When I'm nervous I can be awkward and clumsy (hold on to your glassware). I have no problems with heights, unless balance is involved – what's that? I have never ridden a bike. Forget interviews – my mind goes blank.

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Noise also really affects me. My husband eats normally – you could say quietly – but to me it can seem really loud. Just odd little noises, even breathing, can at times affect me and I can feel myself becoming stressed and I just want to shout "stop" really loudly to release the emotional build-up.

I can be too honest and insensitive to the feelings of others. I'm not so good at keeping friends because when I have a low, I can offend and pester them far too much and not always say what I mean, being quite rude at times. This can lead to paranoia, which is another big one. I often misread what people are saying or thinking. I tend to obsess on things until I'm 100% sure about them. When I start something, I can get quite fixated by it and think about it all the time, using up all my energy, to the point where I become quite obsessive.

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At times my mind seems to race, jumping from one thing to the next. It's like a nervous energy – words in my thoughts turn to chaos. That's when I want to withdraw. It's at times like these when conversations can get confused, when talking about one thing and I go off on another subject. I can mix up words and conversations, and sometimes not quite make sense to others, only half saying things and wondering why they do not understand me. I find it hard to listen to other people. Once I get the point, which is usually quickly, I will lose interest and want to talk about something else.

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I find I become bored easily, so I try to always keep busy, otherwise my mind will race off in all directions. I feel like an actress playing the part at times, wanting to do and say one thing, and at the same time having to control my real self and thoughts – unlike when I was younger and could get away with crazy fun moments. I remember once just talking very fast all day long without hardly stopping, to the despair of my brothers.

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Having continuous racing thoughts means I find it hard to sleep and as soon as I wake up, I have to do something. I have to be totally organized to cope. I hate not being in routine – any change seems to elevate my stress to out-of-control levels – even if my husband says "let's just go out".

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As I get older, certain things have changed and I can gain control to a point. When I was younger I could never look directly at anyone and socially found it hard. I was prone to egocentric behavior – the person everyone remembers for the wrong reasons. But however hard I try now, deep down, I know I'm different and always have to make that extra effort.

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It's not all bad. Apparently I have strengths that most of you do not, such as the ability to process information automatically and quickly. My fluid reasoning gives me the ability to form concepts and solve problems using unfamiliar information or procedures.

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I have a wonderful gift for being able to see the whole picture, but that can complicate things. For instance, if I'm told about a new procedure, I can usually find any error or possible changes it needs straight away. I have no concept of figures of authority – even if you're the prime minister, I will challenge and correct you, if I feel you are wrong.

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All of this, at times, leads to exhaustion and I can get quite anxious. This is when I just want to withdraw into myself and release all the mixed-up hurt and pain, hideaway and be safe. In fact a lot of the time I like being in my own space, not having to deal with other people's ways.

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I have found I often prefer being around children, older people and animals because they are not so judgmental. Adults can be hard work. As hard as I try to please, I'm continually misunderstood for being me. It's like I have a hidden secret, which most of you will never fully be able to understand.

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I have found that I can connect with animals it’s like with have an extra sense, and have heard asperger people be compared to cats “Cats have Asperger Syndrome, because they do not like being told what to do, intelligent, independent and hate change!.”.

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When first diagnosed, the worse thing was knowing that there is no fix, that I will never be like everyone else. But I now see it in a positive light. I have found out other members of my family have Aspergers; my children and theirs could also have these special traits, which has been behind some of the greatest human achievements to date.

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By writing this I'm not only trying to help you understand me, I'm also trying to understand myself. Because It really feels right now, at times like there are 2 parallel planets, and the wires are so crossed it would take a miracle to untangle them..

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The problem is having to pretend everything is OK, when my world feels like it's tumbling down in front of me and wondering who is the real me. But knowing and being able to understand myself gives me so much more hope and courage. By having a better understanding of Aspergers and associated conditions hopefully I can stop others from having to suffer for as long as I have had to, as I know only too well what a lonely existence you may be leading.

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For now I can at least celebrate having a fast, complex brain, and start to feed it the right information, setting me and my family free to be ourselves. The one thing that will never change is my special boys, Jack and Stuart, who truly are the best thing that ever happened to me. I like my world – it's fun – and right now it is where I want to be.

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All I ask is that others try to accept me for who I am – a person who does not conform and fit into their world. Does anyone have the right to choose, or decide what or who is right in this world? Aspergers is just a part of who I am, we are all born as different unique individuals, and can have various associated conditions on the spectrum or not. My associated conditions are not autism, autism is just the way I am.

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It really is the not knowing or understanding that often cause us so much unnecessaryhurt -

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Quote: Society loves putting us into neat little boxes, its just we do not fit! 
We push boundaries, and expand the world of the narrow minded. - Alyson Bradley

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As someone ask - Giving birth can be so varied who ever we are, like most parents first time round I over worried stressed etc.... the second virtually gave birth myself the second time around, the first took forever and I just kept saying I was ok, until nearly collapsed, wasn't sure what to do, as I am one of those spectrum individuals that never complains much about pain, just gets on with it. But once I knew what to do, another process to be perfected, if only that easy. Also being that bit different does not help, when others do not quite understand, my combination of different responses, at times seeming absent

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But the strange thing about both my births I knew the days they were to be born, in fact worked out and gave both times the doctors the wrong dates (last period etc...) so would give the dates I said and both came on those day. The second even stranger as 1 year exactly from losing a baby, but lucky that was early stages. My first child who is on the spectrum born on 5 November and when I came out of University College London the next morning the world was full of smoke from the night before and it felt like I was on a alien planet. But giving birth may not been one of my best experiences, but the end product amazing and have 2 simply brilliant boys.... (May 2010)

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If you want to reprint and/or translated must make sure full

copyright notice is retained and the content is not altered.

Copyright © 2007 Alyson Bradley

www.Asplanet.info - Aspergers Parallel Planet

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Responses/Replies to article:

Hi Alyson,

Thank you for writing about your experience with Aspergers. It is comforting to read your thoughts and realize other people see the world the world through the same lens that I do. You wrote about how if you're told about a new procedure, you spot errors straight away and don't hesitate to challenge authority (having no concept of it).
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I am a Medical Technologist in a hospital lab in the USA. The person in charge of the Lab recently made a procedural change that I feel is illogical. I wrote a detailed e-mail, mindful of being as diplomatic as possible as to why the change would not work. The Supervisor responded that we would do it her way. Since she cannot or refuses to see the big picture, and since this is the second time she has responded in a negative way, I feel I should just keep quiet and let things take their course. When making changes, she asks for comments in her e-mails, but does not value them.
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Perhaps asking for comments is a meaningless thing people say, but don't mean...like "how are you?". It is stressful to know what it takes to make everything in your job go as perfectly as possible and not to be permitted to do what it takes.
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You said adults are hard work and you are so right. It is as if most people were handed a manual on Earth social customs and somehow I was off-planet that day. Oliver Sacks wrote a book where Temple Grandin said she felt like an anthropologist on Mars. It seems as if I have spent all my life studying alien ways of being and never quite getting it right. Like shoes... I am always reading articles about women obsessing about high heeled shoes. I think about an image of a foot and ankle ...a 90 degree angle, right. Then I see a picture of a high heeled shoe at a 45 to 60 degree angle...this does not make sense. Feet are not happy at these angles.
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As for the problems with speech..... When thinking things over in my mind, I can think very quickly using memories of images, sounds and whatever I need to zip around and make neural connections. When talking to other people, I have to evaluate them. What is their age, education level, familiarity with the subject and anticipate their reaction to the subject matter before trying a clunky translation of putting my thoughts into words. I often wish I could just beam my thoughts directly into their brain. Sometimes it is just best to say nothing at all, because other people don't like to hear what you know about different random subjects.
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What would a planet of Aspergians be like? All mechanical things would run as perfectly as possible. Everyone would be lifetime learners and teachers. Conflicts would be settled by logic, not social connections or wealth. People would just say what they meant . Normal earthlings would be sent to special schools where they could unlearn traits like being devious and mean for no reason and learn principles of logic.

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Thanks for listening. I am a self-diagnosed Aspergian. Some of your words struck a chord with me and I just wanted to say hello and thanks for writing.

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My Reply:

Thanks for that, the "how are you?" bit also has always ready bugged me, I think that this is because our senses work more effectively than NTs, and we can tell when people do not mean it, so refer not to reply.
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The way I like to put it is Aspie people’s brains work one way and NTs work another, and our wires get crossed all the time!
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The work situation can be real hard, at times can be so frustrating when you can see the problem, but the NT's are about 10 steps behind and just do not get it. If you can see a problem with a suggestion, I would just put some think in writing and keep a copy, because if you tell someone usually later down the line, they use your comment as there suggestion...
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NTs like to put us down, but time and time again, more than happy to use our suggestions as theirs... after all we share traits which have been behind some of the greatest human achievements to date. I feel NT's often feel threaten by us, that’s why they seem dismissive at times...
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I'm in a position where I do not have to work with NT's all the time, and life is so much better. What I have realized is that I live in the NT world, but play in mine, well that’s where I prefer to be and can be the real me.

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Reply by me (April 2008)

"Not sure which article you read as not sure which web site "aspers" is! I guess it’s the one raising awareness of Aspergers as most people refer to that one and on quite a few site I hear, and happy with that.
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I can relate to most of what you’re saying, so please do not feel alone. We are a growing number of lost souls coming together and with that comes understanding and recognition. I wrote the article when first diagnosed to try and make sense of my differences, to be honest it was like a revelation knowing and being diagnosed.
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Almost 1 year down the line, I have set up my own web site and forum and am now very happy and proud to of found my real self. But at first it was a shock, having to come to terms to suddenly being someone else; well that’s what it felt like for me at first. But then things started to make sense, why school was so hard, always the one bullied for being different.. its like I have spent a life time of being continually put down just for being me, because we are not embraced as children of course we often become a little damaged by society, does not mean we are wrong or crazy.
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I use to feel so alone at times, isolated from others. But knew I was not really depressed, but there was some think different about me. The same as you would only cry alone, unable to show emotion, does not mean we do not have any, just find it hard to share and often suffer alone, I call it the injured animal moments when I withdraw and deal with my overloaded feelings.
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I have found its not that I cannot "bear people" being around me. I find it hard as its always on their terms and does not allow for my differences, like you I never had/have many friends or seem to keep them. I feel a lot of this is to do not understanding me, and my frustrations of not being understood by them. I tell people the truth also, we can be very honest and not into the social game playing, chit chat can seem pointless and even know can do, just does not feel right.
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Like you I have always craved for affection, and want everyone to like me, worry what others say, think.. I do not feel this is just our insecurities, its partly that we tend to over think analyze things too much, the perfectionist in us. But learning to understand ourselves and who we are really helps.
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I also do at times feel like I am being watch and judged and feel this is partly due to the fact that we can get quite anxious and a little paranoid at times, but with understanding myself have found new confidence and my insecurities have virtually disappeared... from very young because we are not the stereo type "norm" we are continually put down, pounded on.. can you blame us for feeling a little insecure at times.
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I feel you are a huge step closer to finding and discovering the real you, I cannot emphasize how much of a wonderful difference this has made to my life. I only wish I had started my journey of self discovery / found out when I was 25, not 48 years of unnecessary confused chaos, staying that I also realize how hard it can be as you age, and the devastating consequences of not knowing or understanding.. so please feel free to ask me any other questions here by email or on the http://asplanet.info/forum/index.php
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But in the mean time read up as much as you can, this site shares my journey in the hope that it will help other like you on discovering your true selves. Also lots of other links on site, web site, blog links on see menu and book recommendations on forum...

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If you are in Christchurch, NZ I can help you with a great psychologist who is on the autism spectrum herself and truly understands, unfortunately there are far too few good professionals, so not easy to get diagnosed - but happy to help advise if I can..."

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Response/Reply by me (July 2008)

Hi, thanks for that. I hate the stereo typing of Asperger people - so many seem to think we have our head down in shame and are cold.... of course not true, if any think we are over emotional - hence emotional overloads etc.... extremities of mood!
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I love who I have become, and really do not mine if others feel I am a little odd or different any more, in fact quite like being not just another sheep - never fitted in anyway..... but saying that people on the autism spectrum or as deserve and different as those not on the autism spectrum, we are all unique individuals - society just does not seem to get it.
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This example may help, just a few of the different types (all these quite extreme):
8 Different Types of Aspergers! 

Just an idea by Amy Nelson. Basically it suggests that there are eight major types of Aspergers and that aspies are usually a mix of one, two or three of these. I feel it is well thought out and an interesting concept / insight.
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Note: This is not accepted research - just a set of ideas that someone put forward to help those who were self-diagnosed.
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The types are named after people. I'm not sure that I agree with the list or with the descriptions. I'm even less sure that these people are definitely aspies but it is still good food for thought. I've reproduced a lot of the content and added some of my own thoughts;
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1. Spielberg (Based on Steven Spielberg)
A sociable, sporty, extroverted aspie with average IQ but poor spelling and grammar.
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2. Einstein (Obviously based on Albert Einstein)
An Intellectual with a high IQ and excellent spelling/grammar. They're an expert in their special interest, often good with computers and usually quite argumentative - especially in areas of special interest.
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3. Powell (Possibly? based on Enoch Powell
An agressive/hostile/violent and intelligent aspie who is often bullied and may use drugs for stress. Possibly also having Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) or Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD).
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4. Numan (I think based on Gary Numan)
A spaced out daydreamer type who finds it difficult to understand others and is often misunderstood in return. Likely to have bonding issues and possibly bipolar.
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5. Morrissey (Presumably the singer )
A unique, artistic and creative aspie who feels separated from people and is possibly schizophrenic. These people don't fit in well with society and often feel alien or like they belong in a different time period.
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6. Nicholls (Presumably Aussie Craig Nicholls
A hyperactive, energetic and extroverted aspie who has no problems making friends - just problems keeping them. These aspies are often considered to be irritating, immature and childish. Unlike many aspies, they don't have much social fear and like to talk to people. They may also have Attention-deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADD/ADHD). In Nicholl's case, he claims to be a compulsive liar which goes against the general honesty normally associated with aspies.
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7. Carroll (It could only be Lewis Carroll)
A passive and very introverted aspie. Quiet, shy and deeply involved in their special interest. For these aspies, friends and relationships are secondary to their special interests. They're very passive, and show little emotion externally but are often very anxious inside. They're quite likely to be bullied.
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8. Warhol (From the description, this obviously Andy Warhol - not that there are any other famous Warhols anyway).
A confident and egocentric aspie who is full of ideas but feels that the world misunderstands them. While friendly in formal settings, the Warhol type can become revengeful and bitter when problems occur. They could also have Narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) traits.

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It can be so hard when first diagnosed as our life flashes before us and begins to make sense.... I guess the NAS website story you read was Raising Awareness of Aspergers... have since written "Making Sense"  one year after being diagnosed.
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My 14 year old has been diagnosed like myself, we are so alike, he is very happy and proud to be an aspie...., does get frustrated with society in general at times, but copes extremely well.. his school does know, but no support yet here in NZ for the more intelligent children. I guess there limited resources have to be spent on the children who really struggle with school and I can understand that myself... My 10 year old does have some traits, but as not so sure he is on the autism spectrum and if is he quite minor, plus he is not ready or needs to be diagnosed, as really does not want to know and feel he would lose confidence in himself if was at this stage. He is highly sensitive and takes things laterally etc... can not do speeches and other things.. but have found easier with school here just to work on each thing that he needs help with for now. If still evidence at secondary school level which is one year older here will rethink then.
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"I am worried about approaching my GP in case they think I am mad"
This was the same reason I never approached anyone, especially as a mother its hard as I was scare of being judged wrongly and misunderstood... The Official Aspergers Criteria has only been around since 1994, so many people have and still are being wrongly diagnosed, thats why its so important to seek someone who specizies in aspergers and also be over prapared before you talk to anyone... see list below.
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Most of us are self diagnosed at first and then its finding a professional who understands and can diagnose us. So before being diagnosed, write down as much information as you can will really help, back to when you were a child. As we get older we learn to change and adapt, does not mean we do not still have those differences, but often have to keep or learn to conceal them..
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This lists may help::
My list of Characteristics of Children to Adolescences AS symptoms
http://asplanet.info/forum/index.php?topic=161.0
Great test to do:
The Official Aspergers AQ TEST - Could you be on the spectrum !
http://asplanet.info/forum/index.php?topic=77.0
and others things ton read which may help - AS Symtoms (Full Official Criteria):
http://asplanet.info/index.php?option=com_content&task=view&id=29&Itemid=63
ASNZ - ASD Diagnosis, tests, Being an Autistics Friend....
http://asplanet.info/index.php?option=com_content&task=view&id=86&Itemid=132
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"It ties everything together for me. It makes it all make sense.

It's that difference I've always known was there and never

could put a finger on. I don't know how my future will change

now that I know, but at least I understand my past better."